Things I will never understand, in no particular order..

1. Not wanting to travel and experience new things. I once heard a woman say she'd stock up on canned foods before going to a foreign country just so she can continue to eat "American" (or her sorry version of it..)

2. Michael Bolton.

3. Child abuse. Mortifies me.

4. Anyone so desperate for approval they compromise their integrity and boil over with resentment when people don't fall for their phony "generosity"..the really screwy manipulative ones with their Cosmo-borrowed ethics that readily and prudishly judge anyone not primp and proper enough in their book and label anything they fear or can't comprehend vulgar or dysfunctional. I understand vain, I certainly understand insecure, even bitter and confused, but I don't understand deliberate annoying arrogance. Although I bet there's plenty of people that will say I fit that very description :)

5. White Chocolate (its not even chocolate, and its vile)

6. Fake flowers. Even in cemeteries.

7. That motorized scooter thing that slowly drags itself while you just stand on it. How dumb.

8. Hairless cats.

9. Russia now. Or ever.

10. Baseball.

Found ! Real life Cinderella !!! It is, after all, possible to have it all..(although she might be dumb as a door nob but who cares ?! ..) The one, the only, ever so beautiful Natalia Vodyanova..from rags to riches and on top of the world by tender age of 25..Born in Russian equivalent of a Detroit ghetto into Russian equivalent of trailer trash (wife beater drunk step dad, retarded siblings, shared flat in projects, the whole nine yards..), this delicate flower blossomed right through the turds and into covers of Vogue. Married her prince, too, a British baronet and a real estate mogul who worships the ground she catwalks on. She is now expecting her 3rd child. Now THATS a Happily Ever After !

In rare (and soon to be gone for good) moments of peace and quite I try to process all that's happening, not even trying to keep up with it, just dodging the bullets and bracing myself for whats to come soon..A complete uncertainty. Everyone in my family got ill to various degrees over the last few weeks, I can't but secretly dream of some drug-induced sleep myself..Its hard to come to terms with, but I guess my luck indeed has run out as far as "having it all". I still have my baby, my health and my looks (for a few years maybe..),but I'm sure as hell not meant to either be rich or free -- I had my run with it, it came at a price I couldn't live with, time to let go, cut losses, and assume the position. I'm being totalled by the worst case of "American dream" -- I'm now looking forward to getting a house I can barely afford even deeper into the cornfields of Midwest suburbia, some shit hole with a dreadful name like Waukonda where I'll spend my long bleak days driving from home to work to Wallmart (what else IS there ?..) trying to make ends meet, debt piling up, I'll be alone all the time, get fat, and old, and bitter and will go into shock accidentally stumbling over my old travel pics..Why is life dealing me blow after blow ???...Haven't I been through enough already ?..I always worked hard for everything but I would always get what I want, eventually..not anymore, my luck has run out for good. I am so tired, tired of life, at 35, and I imagined I'd just be starting now..god, I need a break..

Piter

City of Thousand Statues, part II..
I imagine they all come to life in full moon and hold elaborate tea parties in Hermitage :)..

Every once in a while my husband just mixes up whatever's on our walls, for an ongoing exhibit or just because..Right now his most magnificent large paintings decorate a tiny hallway of his parents flat..it makes no sense and I miss them..I miss him too..wishing he was back home and well and we'd be watching Frasier reruns at 1am like a couple of geeks that we are. This quote caught my eye today.."We exorcise the demons of others to placate our own"..how very true. I should let the stranger demons be, luckily I'm pretty comfortable with my own, they're house trained by now and don't make me into a sociopath.. I miss my friend.. we used to poke fun at drama queens of both genders till we couldn't stand it, we were terrible, especially to men :)..f I guess friendship, like poetry, can't be too calculated and polished, you really have to connect with someone, accept them, rough edges and all, love them for them and let it be known, not just because they make you feel great -- you can't "dose" your affection and praise and dispense it like a biscuit every time someone jumps on your cue, its insincere and offensive, and people feel it, everyone knows when they're been used or patronized, no matter how you sugarcoat it..If its too conditional, no one needs it, it isn't love, its bargaining for control and affection and that's pathetic..Thank god it didn't get that way with us, we just parted ways unable to weather the drastic changes in both our lives, I do miss her though..

Here's my last week in a glance..
1. Family crisis in Russia
2. Family crisis here
3. Some issues resolved with both -- still flying out there in a month or so..this saga's far from over and it'll make or break me..
4. Husband had surgery today, he won't be able to pick the baby up for a month..he's staying at his parents now to recover so Veronika won't jump all over him, instead she jumps all over me.
5. On the way home from the hospital had a fender bender with my poor sick hubby hunched over in pain..
On the other hand..I'm alive and well and I do get things done and it feels good.

Few random thoughts..I've picked up this paperback novel (there's a "book club" at work, believe it or not..in addition to coffee club :)), hoping no one will catch me with it, for it looked to be a book equivalent of "Star" magazine..AND I CAN'T PUT IT DOWN ! It's "Running in heels" by Anna Maxted, I love it ! I find a lot of myself in it, my many selves rather that changed over the years..I can so relate it's pathetic. I don't feel all too original now, but the validation is worth it :). Though I'd probably think it cheap if not for its British flare and humor. It would be "Sex and the City" all over again, and I OD'd on that one till I couldn't stand it..Anyway, it's a riot.
Today heard someone say dead seriously they got gastric erosions from swallowing a loose tooth crown and it scratching the stomach. Had to keep a straight face on and even sympathize. How do I do it, I don't know :))..
I'm a voyeur, always was..I wrote here about it. I can't help but peek in the windows and see what's cooking and how they got the furniture :) I often have dreams where I'm invisible and go door to door wrecking havoc :)) And even one where I'm locked up at Whole Foods at night and go crazy in cheese isle :) Browsing blogs feels the same. I mean, I'm here for me, and I enjoy this space, yet its a thrill to open new blogs, some feel like exotic escapes, some like dorms, others like crime scenes, there are ones that are Pandora's boxes where suddenly a rotting corpse falls out of an adorably decoupaged closet..It takes all kinds. It blows my deviant mind :))) ...

I remember this too well, I was lovesick, ditching school, watching the water for hours..Spring fever :)..I am blessed..blessed to be at peace and not chasing some imaginary demons. How do people live with a notion that the world is out to get them ?..what a curse..what a waste.

existential

I'm at work, at break, chomping on a dead woman's muffin, again. I had received a dead patient today, the poor thing went right on the change of shift, bless her soul, and I got stuck with a heap of paperwork and post-mortem care..As huge as death is, the System will shrink it to fit its files and process it into a perfect little package, tags on toes, sealed, delivered. The bed's not cold yet but already assigned. Nina, you're very right to note that in the System, people are but specimens. Guess what, so are the caregivers forced to deliver, maintain volume, numbers. Exceptions are rare and not covered by HMO. I've been through it from both ends and can sympathize with both parties..the System won't work any other way, its too huge, the wing span's too wide, no one knows whats on the other side of the wall and the margin of error is humangous. Its all tasks, shifts, turnover. Its monster-high tech and it'll suck you in its centrifuge and spit you out with the same damn itch and a bill to boot. We're all nice, caring people here, we mean well, we're just trying to keep up and hold on to our jobs..all in the name of good buziness and allmighty dollar..sad. Happy Nurses Week ! Don't anyone else die on me tonite..LIFE. IS. There, think positive :)

SOMEBODY STOP ME !!!
This german coffee's laced with speed, I swear..There's a floor full of nurses running like mad..I just changed 3 IVs and looking for more..Gotta get some for home :)

As a shamelessly self-absorbed and shallow narcissist (that only poses as an angel of mercy by day), I often dream of great fortune :)..These thoughts lazily floated into my head today as I was getting a long overdue pedicure and contemplating world domination, as usual..
Here's what I'd do if I suddenly struck gold..
1. Quit work
2. Get pregnant again
3. Take care of my family and few close friends
4. Buy a lakefront Mansion with a beautiful garden and a wine cellar
5. My husband's own gallery and a print shop uptown
6. Go on a long European tour with husband
7. Hire help so I can spend time with kids and not worry about chores
8. Hire a personal trainer, a beautician, and a masseur
9. Buy that damn Armani already..
10. Buy a classy luxury car
11. Collect Russian art and antiques
12. Go out a lot -- theater, art galleries, museums, fine restaurants
13. Spend winters in Caribbean with kids
14. Catch up on my reading
15. Procrastinate
16. Donate to church and hope for the best :)
And, as I'm coming smack down to Earth, I will most likely splurge on that massage and quite possibly get pregnant, but I will never ever catch up on my reading :)

Ever notice how ridiculous the wires and banners look in old european cities ?..What fits right in in NY or Tokio is an eye sore here..