happiness is a warm gun

Was told the other night that I am inherently an unhappy, negative person not capable of enjoying myself. Ouch. Coming from someone who once claimed I brought happiness back into his life -- puzzling, at least..And you think you know someone..I didn't protest, it'd be silly, to yell back with fury about your happiness :) It did leave a bad taste and it still lingers a bit, it sucks to be reduced to a label..but I'm ok. I know happiness all too well, I count my blessings every day no matter how tough it gets, I have moments of bliss each and every day and I LOVE life, can't get enough of it, I always did. I've been happier, and I've been unhappier..I'm not selfless enough, I guess that was implied..Too bad. I'm tired of being demonized every time I dare say I'm sick or exhausted, I'll just keep it to myself and my blog :) Sorry for bad chi :))..

Once a Wonder Woman, always a Wonder Woman. 55 is looking good.

angel on a bottle

I'd like a swig out of that thing, looks promising :)) DT is so much fun

good morning

of no importance, just needed to be said, skip ahead :)

I've been thinking about my ex lately, not that I ever want him back, but I'm starting to see some things differently now that there's enough time and distance between us. I'd divorce him all over again but that does not change a fact that the man is a fighter (even though most of his punches aimed below the belt..) and a survivor, and I do owe him if not respect then sympathy, afterall. I did fall for him, head over heels from the first sight --and for the first and last time in my life..other men kinda grew on me over time..It took running into him on 3 different (and bad) dates before we actually spoke. For the record, my "dates" usually meant a dinner and a movie..I was getting over this huge affair and couldn't quite let go..and didn't, for some time --my new love turned out to be friends with the very man I was trying to get over, even resembled him..I sure know how to hold on to my problems :) Later he said he'd never had the guts to approach me if we didn't literally bump heads at a rock concert. All wrong for me, he was just all wrong, period, and I knew it right then but it was too late. Too long, too.. I just spent a year waiting for someone who was never coming back, I couldn't stand being alone and he was the first guy I didn't have to talk myself into. He was awkward, and dorky, and trying way too hard, but somehow it all worked..The guy I briefly dated right before him adored me, had tons of money he couldn't spend on me fast enough, smart, funny, with great friends..sent me buckets of roses every day for a week (one had a paid ticket to Vegas in it..) when I stopped returning his calls --never got past 1st base. THIS joke of a man, flat broke math student with no green card, no manners, no sense of humor, no common sense, either..he shows up and boom, I'm in love. That's one of the things that brought us together -- no common sense. I had none in relationships, he just had none. He was very book smart, very type A, and at war with what seemed like the whole world -- his college professor, his family, his roommates, his ex, even the clerk at Blockbuster :)..that should have been a red flag right then ! Nope. Didn't see it, didn't want to. I got me my tragically misunderstood mad scientist and he became my latest and greatest project before realizing that I myself had become his trophy... And in five short years I've created quite a monster. The rest of our live together resembles "Sleeping with Enemy" except he didn't beat me unconscious and in many ways owed me his new found "fame and fortune". There was absolutely no way to get through to him now, he was full of himself and impossible. He was loyal, even loving, in his own suffocating way, but I couldn't stand the fighting and the anger and the sheer deviance of his ways anymore. Tried to leave him once -- he turned to mush and promised to change if I stay..and I did, tried to leave him again as it only got worse -- he got seriously sick and I stayed to take care of him, tried to leave when he got well -- and he made it hell but this time I left for good. I've done my share of wrongs, but this isn't about that, his or mine..His amazing ability to work beyond hard and adapt and thrive where everyone else would just shrivel up and die -- this is what still blows my mind. I still don't know anyone as determined and hardworking as him yet so confused and vulnerable, poisoned for life with envy and greed..except maybe myself ..I still miss him too, though I don't love him anymore, he took a lot of me with him. Here's to perspective, to "time heals all" and to letting go. I hope his millions will buy him some happiness and peace, and I hope for my sake that happiness and peace are possible without the millions :)

On missing and reminiscing

My favorite walking route along Nevsky..SPB circa 1900, note the tram :)..

Klava

Long lost college friend who just popped up in LA. And apparently in Paris right before that :) I missed her here but will track her down back in SPB..I'm all about lost and found, looks like..Life is good.

The trams are gone from SPB. Trams to Petersburg were like gondolas to Venice. What a loss..This will change the city even more. I used to live by tram depot and every day at 4am they'd start, when one turned the corner the bells would go off and the house shook and the lights flickered all over the walls..And I still loved the trams :)

Well, its official. I'm off to St.Petersberg July 7th for 2.5 weeks. Hoping for the best but ready for anything..On completely unrelated matter -- I'd readily switch with Paris and do a month in a poky in return for her fortune..easily :)

Blackberry Boo. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid :)))

Flashback from 4th grade, courtesy of some SPB photo blog.. This yard's adjacent to my old school and on my way home, a 30 min walk used to take 2 hours as my best friend lived right there and we'd chat in front of those gaits forever..and then I'd go on to my bus stop which I'm sure will pop up somewhere soon :))) All these signs..I'm being stalked by memories. I fear I'll go back and this third space will just close in on me, forever..brrr.

MAN..WHY CAN'T THIS BE MY LIFE ?!..:))) OK, I'm allergic to cats, lets just say that's why..right.
About the Author: Carolyn McFann is a scientific and nature illustrator, who owns Two Purring Cats Design Studio, which can be seen at: http://www.cafepress.com/twopurringcats. Educated at the Rochester Institute of Technology in New York, Carolyn is a seasoned, well-traveled artist, writer and photographer. She has lived and worked in Cancun, Mexico, among other interesting professional assignments in other countries. Clients include nature parks, museums, scientists, corporations and private owners. She has been the subject of tv interviews, articles for newspapers and other popular media venues.

Boo's on hunger strike all day. 2 bottles of milk and a cracker and that's ALL. WTF. She had her shots yesterday, maybe that's why..otherwise being her usual playful self. I lost it at breakfast and let out this blood curdling scream, scared the hell out of myself and her..All those years holding a grudge for mom making me eat and here I am, a mash monster yelling at a toddler. Nice. Wanted to take it back but alas..Felt awful, thank god her attention span is still short..took her for a walk and she was kissing me all the way there..

This is what I know..its actually 3am, summer white nights, only in SPB, only in summer..

Russia I've never seen. SPB is absolutely and utterly unrussian, no wonder it's been resented by the rest of the country ever since it was built.

Spent two hellish days going from ER to the orthopedist after boo took a tumble off the bed and hurt her arm -- the wizards in ER tortured us for 4 hours and said there's a fracture and to keep the arm immobilized till we see the doc in am..HA. Tell this to an 18month old who won't stay still even in her sleep. Next day we have to wait till after 5pm to be seen and ply her with codeine but when we finally get there turns out there is NO fracture, just a slightly dislocated elbow which this godsend Patch Adams pops back in right there and then and in 5 minutes we're all back to normal..Oh, boy..what's next ?..Whatever it is, as long as its not with boo, I can take it, I know that much.

http://vaga-land.livejournal.com/123294.html

hairy scary wonderland complete with rabbit holes and dressed up frogs and mad hatters..time for tea :)

Ms.Mamma -- for you, and may life take us everywhere we want to go, while we still want to go :)

Nina, are you messing with my google ads ?..:)))

"Henry and June". I saw the movie before I read the book, both courtesy of my then lover, the only man I was truly obsessed with, though it was never about love... Anais Ninn's affair with Henry Miller is as intense as it sounds and Uma Thurman is absolutely brilliant. Nothing glorifies sin quite like this combo. My life has not been the same since :)