happy snack

Joy

hurt. i'm programmed to reason, to seek just explanations, to play fare. knowing well - fair is the opposite of free and so i'm doomed to fail. now all is fair, and all makes sense and it hurts. just like it did few years back, when i was setting myself up for this very pain. only i welcomed it then, lived it and loved it, unlike now, when all i feel is this black void of disillusion. now the outcome of all this hurt is sleeping peacefully next door. weird chemistry of escapes and anticipations, hopes, dreams, domestic disasters, beautiful minds and long talks, words, letters, messages, signs..love, by all means. it died. i knew it, knew exactly when it happenned, knew why, but i went on, afraid to say it outloud. i should've screamed, kicked, ran for my life.i didn't, and he didn't. and when it was no more, a child was born. born into this deafening emptyness between two strangers, into life filled with resentment and guilt. so much for love.. hurts.

connections

If this was a view out my window, I'd spend my mornings on chanting and quiet contemplation..Now its just a grey-white merky blizzard through the blinds and a quicky getting me out of bed.


And here's the real coffee to go with the view, just like my dad made it, turkish, in a tiny cup, thick and foamy, and oh so strong..

And a friend to talk about Dostoyevsky and puke and everything in between..

random flashback, beautiful, miss it

the perfect moment
I thought many times in the past
that the moment was the one
I would choose
if I had to choose only one
but I just had the perfect moment
where I felt like a piece
of a jigsaw puzzle
all twisted with legs going
one way
and arms and head another
yet everything fit
and the other pieces
locked into me
I was part of a perfect moment
where everything felt right
and good
for that moment
warm and snugly
but with my mind at peace
my heart filled with love
and my soul full of joy
for that moment I was more than one
I was more
perfect
for a moment
posted by carson at 10:10 PM on Dec 5, 2007

abandoned treasure

I wonder what happened to this bloggger..when I first stumbled on this blog I had goosebumps reading..its been dead for over 2 years. I'll keep it here, I feel very protective of it somehow. And the funny thing is I'm afraid I killed it -- I left a comment, a NICE one !..and there was nothing since. Damn..

http://nearlyunbearable.blogspot.com/

jump

R.I.P.

post-trip-tum

I did have a vacation after all, cursed cruise or not -- I went to Mexico. My dad sais Mexico is one of the "energy centers" of the world and after having gone 5 times, I believe it. The sun, the sea, the ruins -- the works. I LOVE Mexico. And this time I expanded my "vacation to-do list" with zip-lining, rappeling, and snorkeling in caves. There's nothing quite like jumping off a cliff and zipping through the jungle to get ready for a new and demanding job. I think I'm ready :) One thing I was NOT ready for is bumping into one of my ex-husbands, and not the one I stayed friends with, oh no..But we pretended not to see each other for 5 days and no one got hurt. Just burnt. I'm talking extra-crispy-hurts-to-blink kinda burnt..NEVER happened to me before, but here I am, all dark and disturbed, and with a bad cold too..but the rest of me healed rather nicely :))) Oh, well, there's always something. Among things I'll remember from this trip (that are not X-rated) and will write about in detail later -- the caves, the whole underground river world hidden beneath the touristy beaches, the cemetery of Xcharet -- I haven't seen anything like it, and Madlen :)