Low grade fever

My birthday's in 2 wks..as usual, I feel fragile about this time, I see things clearly and I don't like what I see..here's my bucket list, may it die here along with all the others I've made and tossed over the years..
-To be creative. Not bitch and moan in two broken languages into oblivious blogosphere, but to actually create, with my hands. I am amazingly tactile, I need and love to touch, feel, smell..My whole life filled with found objects and art I cherish, keep, connect with..yet I've created nothing and go on living in self-imposed sensory deprivation of a stuffy window-less office. At 38 I still need excuses to have my space just the way I like it, I collect memories and keepsakes for a shrine I'll build myself when I'm old and alone and, gasp, free to just be ?..I'm dying to loose myself in something other than a man for once..
-To be independent. Truly. Emotionally, more than anything else. Attention is addictive, and the more I get, the more I crave -- this is almost a chemical dependence..I need this dopamine high, I need to stun, draw, I need the dialogue..my mind says "don't go there", but my body says "look at me..." I live everything to death, and not exactly in good taste..The day I realize how much time I've wasted, I will break all the mirrors around me.
-To find peace. Accept what I can not change, fight the guilt imposed on me for years like plaque, breathe in, breathe out, let go. I am not responsible for any one's happiness but my own and my little girl's, to the point. I will not carry any one's burden -- I have been, for too long..My life is mine and its more than being something for someone. Too much given away in exchange for just words. Too little left to share. I am spent. I need to do some healing...

My Angel

Boo

post-vacation

I'm back from Mexico, tan, tired..it was nice but the trip back home killed all the zen. Nika's testing me every day, and all the parental advice starts with "here, read this book.." I have no time to read. To think twice, to sleep well, to work out..so many things I need I have no time for. I want to melt into nice big easy chair for an hour and not move. Can't do. A 1.5 meter SHARK swam to me near shore -- made local news. I'm used to unpleasant surprises on vacation -- like an ex-husband popping out of the pool..same shit pretty much, the shark was friendlier though. I'm contemplating a lot, don't know if I'll do it..Morning after we left Mexico, it was hit with a major earthquacke (6.5). Sometimes I feel there's a drunk voodoo queen aiming at a doll with my likeness but missing vital organs ever so slightly, hiccups, or something -- the shark, the quacke, the car dying mid-drive twice last month..Some force out there clearly doesn't want me to get old, ever..