Happy New Year !

summer..2 weeks till Cozumel :)

Merry Christmas to all :)

OK..Another year's almost up.Time to reflect on this mess I call life. I must say I've come a long way from being a spoiled immature brat going on 20 while having passed 30 (disregard previous post :))). I had a child and I grew up, and I freaked out :) I can't believe the gap it formed between me and some friends that are still blissfully and ridiculously infantile. I'm not talking "silly" here, I mean this whole self-centered well-to-do and tragically bored crowd getting fashionably depressed from their own narcissism that I once belonged to and regarded as golden standard. But I'm certainly glad I "branched out" from this glittery void. Not just by having a baby and raising it without a live-in-babysitter so that I could go bar-hopping, but by severing the ties that lead nowhere, a money-crazed humorless sick fuck of a husband, an old paranoid and married lover that I have nothing more to say to, a negative old girlfriend that kept putting me down..I cut my losses and moved on, money-less, tired, at times bitter, but STILL happier than I ever was. I feel enlightened and aware of life in all its splendor, and hardship, and beauty, so simple, so real. I trully am a blessed woman :)

Something's up..I feel this tingle of anticipation..

I found love again :)))

Thank god I'm never in the city these days..4 people gunned down by some loon downtown Chicago, right where I used to hang out..My kinda town allright..:(

Funny thing about this blog..I have another one in a different format and mostly in Russian, a very busy, loud, bustling one with many friends and communities on board..and I know it sounds crazy but..I still keep this blog too for it feels like a dark, quiet room, peacefull and relaxing, with hardly anyone ever commenting..as if it wasn't an on-line blog but a true diary..its nice..

How refreshing -- to walk into a party having had just 3 hours of sleep and cleaning up crap all day and still be the best looking woman there..:) Or where they just exceptionally ugly bunch ? :)) Naa...I'm so vain :)

If I could just get over myself, I'd be fine. But then, I'd be dead :)..So I go on, creating all sorts of problems and busying myself with consequenses. Much like everyone else, I guess..I life of trivial pursuits ? Fine by me. I'll reinvent myself, go on tour and have another baby :)) PS Life's amazing.

Veronika

I'm lightheaded and lighthearted today..tired, mellow, comfortably numb. Humm of heart monitors behind me..Ts good to be alive

back from USSR

THIS is where I come from. THIS is fucked up. Is it any wonder than I feal like a misfit in most circumstances ?.. Growing up in the most unreal city where sun was barely out 6 months in a year yet it never got dark in summer, I still remember this sickly feeling, always cold hands and feet, exhausting long commutes in crammed buses and trains, this crippling fear of huge red banners hung atop the roofs and on the side walls--some monsterous angry lumpen and a she-male with their fists clenched under a PEACE sign (!!)..or equally scary obnoxious old loons picking fights in bread lines. BREAD LINES. ANYTHING lines. Adults'seeming self-righteousness and my own utter incomprehension of THEIR cause, the most bizzare messages put up in the dumbest places, like this "Hands off Angola !!!" placard in first-graders classroom corner where little hulligans were made to stand facing the wall in punishment (I knew that corner well..)..of having to repeatedly sing this grave song about "Buhenwalde Bell"(a nazy concentration camp), then march for hours to a drum beat..the pioneer bootcamps all summer long..that gnawing feeling of dull sadness and hopelessness that accompanied what was supposed to be (and still was, amazingly..) best years of my life, of constantly being drilled, intimidated, your loyalty to this mythical and frightening"cause" tested ceaselessly. A mass cult of glorified bullies, jocks, imbecills... No dignity, no normalcy. I never though this would end. I was 10. I never KNEW then there can be something else, I really thought there was something wrong with me for hating all that cheer..I'm still weary of uniforms and PC lingo, just for that :)

Well, the stats are in. The cardiac center I work in is officially #1 in Illinois and in top 5% in the country. Set in a picturesque uppety-up Barrington, where I still drive pass multimillion estates in awe cussing the damn rich under my breath..So if you're ever on the market for a quadruple bypass and have money to burn, look us up :) You'll be treated to a spacious private room with a view and a plazma TV and the very beautiful european nurse fluffing your pillow and pumping you full of drugs till you're happy. Ahh..

Thinking back on what was said to me, and more than once, granted, always during a fight :).. Apparently, I am a "second-hand" character from "Sex and the City" and all that was once intriguing about me turned out to be just a recital of those dialogues in one way or another..Hmm.. The show itself is basically a compillation of girl talk, fashionably dysfunctional, at times it seems forced or grotesque..how many true Samanthas are really out there ?..yet there's not a woman I know that won't identify with some character at some point. Interestingly enough, for me it was never a revelation, rather a validation of what I allready knew..yes, there happen to be some haunting parallels, and yes, a man I obsessed over for years is a spitting image of Mister Big :)..however ! most of this stuff is so everyday that its hard for me to believe it can seriously shape a grown woman's personality..a choice of accesories, maybe :) Are men really that put off by these girls, these caricatures, really, and their gripes that they would use them as a derragatory remark ?..

"I'm gonna live forever..
I'm gonna learn how to fly !.."
I'm officially back into my skinny jeans and high heels, the heads are turning, the tongues are wagging, I am SO back :)

If I ever wrote a memour it would be called "Surviving Great Loves, a tale of one long post-traumatic stress disorder".

My patient made me these sleepers..sweet :)

posted by kolos_s

if you look long enough it will suck you in..:)

...I know, I know..ok, I don't want to know, I just can't help it :)
the One, the Only, the intolerably charismatic, ..profoundly full of coccaine and profesies, effortlessly complicated and easily confused, mildly plagiarizing, but always in good taste..:)..godly or gaudy..I will take this one obsession to my grave :)))...I love you, man :)

Just learned yesterday my great grandparents were cousins. Naturally :)

http://msittig.freeshell.org/imgs/bento/

that's some crazy sushi..

Please please please God help me get this job...

Ever since I can remember myself I've been torn between feeling lonely and wanting to be alone. These are not the choices I like, but that's what I'm left with at the end..From bullies to unattainable heart throbs to witty intellectuals I've always been fascinated with people I find intimidating. I've made it my quest to win them over..and I must say I have, always, eventually, won them over, if only to make me feel better about myself. Haven't felt better for any sustainable period of time though..Am I filling the void of my own emptiness and mediocrity ?..Looks like. I am lost. I feel as if I'm trapped in a time capsule while everyone around me has moved on. How strange is it that I connect with others rather well yet have no lasting friendships..I am terrified of anything coming to an end, and, on my own premonitions, I mourn these losses before they even take shape. And I feel as though I must leave to start over, as if I just start over again, I will get it right this time..I burn all bridges, I pride myself on being a survivor, yet its the ellusiveness of my own self I've been running from, my own crushing blows I'm surviving, I AM my worst nightmare. So now that I know its ME, what do I do ?..

posted by strannik J

just can't stop looking at it and feeling warm all over...

Note to self : get rich soon, revisit THIS spot.

all wrapped up

sugar

WORLD MAP OF HAPPINESS

Happiness map (146KB

HOW THE NATIONS RANKED ON HAPPINESS
1st - Denmark
2nd - Switzerland
3rd - Austria
4th - Iceland
5th - The Bahamas
23rd - USA
41st - UK
90th - Japan
178th - Burundi

Russia didn't make it . Surprize :)

my beloved lake Michigan, revisited last night thanks to a friend

Spent a night on the town yesterday, its been ages... I'm tired now, but in a good way, can't stop smiling, this amazing tingly anticipation of things to come that I always had and lost somehow is suddenly back..nothing definite, maybe nothing at all, but I feel changes a coming, if only in my head :)..its good to be alive

booboo

shadow, sand, stone

what's wrong with me ?..why am I THAT vulnerable now? Why do I slump into self pity and depression again and again despite an iron will to stay positive, to accept, love, live and let live ?..Why is my head clear only when its too late to fix anything ?..I had questioned every desicion I made as an adult, failed at two marriages, steadily failng at third, I've alienated old friends..At 34 I have less insight on how to live with myself much less someone else than I did at 16..And I'm full of anger , and hurt, and if it wasn't for my baby, I wouldn't have a good reason to keep on going. Now I have to stick around till she's old enough to resent me :)

by A. Upart

Wow, the things you find while clearing out your inbox :)..this is a "wish list" written to my hubby 2 years back, and as far as I remember, accepted :) OK, I can let go of the world peace, but where the heck's my Armani ??...:)

1. your undying love :) ---assumed granted :))
2. your babies...............same, in progress....:)
3. all your paintings (past and present)..........assumed on permanent loan provided I live surrounded by them.. :)
4. many many many scketches, fotos, paintings, sculptures, movies and other creative replications of my oh so modest self :)..
5. lots of sex
6. lots of travel
7. an Armani pant suit, please :)
8. frequent white tulips at my nightstand
9. regular swedish or shiatsy massage
10. ok..world peace :))

summer eye candy
(posted by NWObserver)

While pondering the subject of why I still can't pace myself and wind up completely exhausted each and every night since I had a baby, it occured to me that as much as the obvious is to blame (little sleep, lots of chores..), thats secondary to what I all but lost post baby -- ability to live in the moment, to "stop and smell the roses". Me, a perpetual procrastinator, used to lounging with a book for hours and long walks for the sake of walking, with barely a sense of time when I'm not punching the clock..suddenly finding myself in a craze of multitasking, planning my life to death and thinking 10 steps ahead of "here and now". I realized it yesterday during a rare opportunity to go for a dip in the pool while someone watched the baby..it was rather chilly but the water was almost too warm, creating a steamy fog over the surface..it had just rained not long ago and the air smelled of the earth and grass and all those summer night smells I haven't noticed in a while. I was alone, swimming, splashing, floating..aware of every inch of my body -- agile, weightless, REAL. It felt so amazingly good-I burst out laughing. I was a whole person again, being entirely in the present, SEENG my hands glide through the water and thinking it at the same time, not contemplating yet another to-do list till my brain's fried..Later, I got busy at home and between that and baby's waking up at night I have lost this wonderful feeling. But at least now I know what I'm missing. Apparently, control is the opposite of happiness..

huhtamyak

Valaam

http://www.enlight.ru/camera/az/index.html
I went there 17 years ago, secretly, with my boyfriend..my parents too have gone there when they were dating..I remember it at dusk, torn pink sky over black stones, tall trees shading the monastery walls..It was magestic, serene, sobering..The most beautiful landscape I've ever seen, yet so simple. Valaam, the monk island.

To live simply is the ultimate luxury, it seems...my own life's cluttered with duties and relationships and co-dependancies that are both blessings and burdens. And as trivial as my "mental refuge" place is -- a place of eternal summer, with long siestas spent in a hammock reading or daydreaming, dips in the sea first thing in the morning, bare feet, the smell of a sun-drenched deck, etc.., I know I will never settle there for long, except maybe for a rare and short vacation..and maybe that's best. I do find the sea and the solitude increadibly healing though..the energy I get from it is second to none, it clears the head, calms the mood, makes me feel beautiful, like a Mighty Aphroditie that I am :))

what a nice getaway that would make for a few weeks..ahh..

Went to see "the Break up" hoping for a no brainer chick flick to zoom out for an hour..that it was, allright, but its shot around my favorite places in Chicago, where I just don't go now that we've moved -- too long a drive, too cumbersome with a baby..stupid small shit that always presents itself whenever I feel like going. Anyway, the plot was unpleasantly reminiscent of my own "break up" and it made me miss the city so much, the lake and my old place, but not my ex, thank god..and not my old self either, although in this case, ignorance trully was a bliss, nothing like city living and lack of responsibilities to keep you feeling 20 for a decade. City keeps you young. And selfish, and often lonely..but hardly bored..there's something about this kind of "solitude in the crowd" when you're alone yet very much "in tune" with the flow of people and cars and street life, all this ceaseless movement that is life and energy itself. There's often an illusion of meaning where there's none, the fast pace is deceiving but addictive nonetheless..I am very aware of my age now and pleasantly so, I must say, as burnt out as I am, I'm more content and sure of myself now then ever. I'm a women of 34 and teenagers start to annoy me :) There, I've said it :)) Babies and kids, on the other hand, make me happy. Must be old age :)

my beloved foot sometime ago..and i just managed to bang a little toe on the playpen's metal foot..and quite possibly broke it. what a day. ouch

"I want to be with you so bad right now.. To touch your lips, smell your skin, cuddle up to you under covers with a window open.. To kiss your eyes till they no longer burn me, till you're asleep and I feel your breath on my cheek....I am discovering you every day.. There are worlds in you I can't wait to get lost in.."
I wrote this to my now husband 2 years ago, we moved out to burbs and had a baby since, now we work different shifts, hardly spend any time together, barely sleep and almost never kiss, much less "touch, smell, or cuddle" ..We just manage to have sex without all this nonsense :) I vividly remember this anticipation of a life together, a culmination of a timultious affair that involved major "demolitions" of all sorts.. and what followed is such a blur, I often wish I could "rewind" back to those letters, that amazing connection we felt with each other. And its not that I'm unhappy or dissapointed, I just feel like the essense of "us" has changed before it even took shape, before I realized there will be days when we'll have nothing to say to each other..and that's ok. I still love him, I'm still fascinated at times at boldness and finnesse and sheer wisdom with which he lives this life..but I do miss that brief moment in time when we were as one..

stairway to heaven ?..

I'd call this "City of Thousand Statues"

(foto by D. Abezgauz)

I'm reading this little book about things from our past, its very "place-specific" to where I'm from, things that ended up in junk yards and thrift stores years ago and are forgotten now..its a very "tactile" book, brings back memories from when I was 5 or so, of elaborate wallpaper patterns, tea drunk from thin glasses and a wall-mounted radio that never shuts up, of scary glass-eyed fox in the armoar.. and messes and gossip of all sorts, when there were no chores, only adventures, and you made play out of everything, from doing dishes to buffing old wood floors, or whatever else your grandma needed you to do. Things seemed to be around forever and there was comfort in being surrounded by old sturdy furniture, rugs and china that have been in the family for years..I feel uprooted at times without this stuff in my life, part of me is gone with them.

my sweet baby boo :) wearing mashed pears and a smile :))

http://www.rickross.com/reference/dti/dtivisitor.html

I am so done with Dahn..its everything they say it is, and it sucks you in like hard drugs until you're spent and broke and basically insane.

Its amazing how easily 4 hours of relaxation and peace are shut to shit by a few chores and a cranky baby and no help at hand..God knows I try..I should have married an older WOMAN, it would all be much easier..Men are for pleasure only, women are for life :)
PS Today will be a good day, even if I have to kill someone for it. Smile :))

What do you do when the doc is more confused than a patient ?..A 90y/o grandma trips and falls at home and can't remember what pills she's on and greeted at the hospital by an old (and I mean OLD) loon in a skin-tight skimpy spandex td tee (!!!) looking like he just got off a float in a gay pride parade, who's not even sure why she's here..No wonder she doesn't believe she's at the hospital :)..

Well, darn it..just found out I'm missing a second chakra-- center of joy, happiness and creativity..In Dahn teaching the source for all those is in our tailbone which I no longer have since a freak fall accident....No wonder I can't stomach all those shiny happy people in my group :) Its official, I am forever doomed to hypochondria and mediocrity, who knew so much good comes out of your ass..I do feel all warm and fuzzy though..But alas, no joy :)

Snorkeling,
Curacao..
sheer bliss..
miss it

What a drag..so slow tonight, so quiet..suddenly I got all this time to just sit around and I can't think of anything to say to others, tried to make small talk with a secretary and she went on and on about her future wedding and all the crazies in husbands family, and everything else I didn't need to know..Empty, I am struggling to stay awake, its been raining all day and baby kept me up at night as usual..baby, my sweet little girl, can't believe its been 7 months already, can't believe all the changes..I'm exhausted, and elated, and lonely and puzzled by life seemingly happening around while I'm buzy with mindless chores. The anxiety is unbelievable, its always there from the moment I get up till well past midnight when I lay awake in bed, tired and resentfull, not knowing exactly what is wrong yet unable to quiet my racing mind..