Nursedoom Momoko

..What an odd room.. Diamond shaped, six windows make a shimmering circle, drowned in street light -- a glowing angel perched on the windowsill. There's a Persian rug, a vase of bohemian crystal, an open book, an old rotary phone..usual nick-knacks in usual places, yet..I move about the space, touch the porcelain chess figures on the table..check, count eight green goblets behind the glass...check.., pass by a large leaning mirror and..check mate. A photograph, tucked under a frame, on an angle. I know her.. Know why angels rest on her windowsills. She's asleep in her bed two doors down the hall, beautiful as always, she's one of them. I sit on the edge for a minute then go, taking her picture with me, leaving the window open, leaving sleepy angels and cooing pigeons to themselves. This place feels like a musty attic at times..a grand one, but still..I wonder how far I can go if I leave it..Not far, alas..I will always come back here, even when I don't belong anymore, I'll still wander these streets and look into midnight kitchens with their tea and their quiet talk and nothing else will matter.

Lost Admiral

Something so sad about a lost statue..should have made it back before morning sun :)..

time travel, chapter 1

Its been raining all day, the kind of early fall city rain that brings comfort of crowded cafes, glistening wet pavement and soft swishing of taxis going by. It always rains for hours on end here..I pretend to be rushing off to someplace important, when I really just want to hide under my umbrella and jump over puddles and peek in the store windows. Rain over gray water, shiny black horses on the bridge froze in full gallop, tamed. Pretty soon gray will turn dark, and I'll be free again. Free to cross the threshold, alone and invisible, free to fly over moon-lit rooftops..The city is mine for the taking. I'm blessed ! Margot made a pact with the devil, I -- just went to sleep..Gust of wind blows the window open, flying white curtains like white flags, surrender..I'm free-falling, gliding, floating on air. The city lies below, an open map, treasures sparkling, scattered at my feet. Over wrought iron gates, over Summer Garden of Gods. Its dead, abandoned by time itself, its fake statues-- pale white ghosts, century old oaks, whispering words of warning, leave at once.. On to the old quarters..Nod to caryatids under a crumbly old balcony. I step inside and take a look around a dark room..

Farewell..and hello

I think I'm done digging up skeletons in my closet. Done with dusting them off and putting them on display in most unlikely places, anyway... I've "met" fascinating all of you, lived a bit of your lives (tried to), gained some and lost some. Namely lost a knack for writing as if no one's reading, the quiet monologue in a dark room. This space as I know it is now defunct, it has become a reality, and I already have one of those..so I'm letting go. I find great comfort in silliest things, in being an intensely introverted exhibitionist. Now Parallel Universe is taking over..:) This portal is its gait. I regress to no inhibitions, no timetables, no reasons, just dreams..unexpurgated, pure, deviant, simple. What will follow won't make much sense, though it'll be in English as I like to distance myself from my writing (writing being a very loose term here..). It'll be strange and imperfect as my English goes..it'll have a thick accent and won't go with anything. I close my eyes at the end of the day and enter a wonderfully familiar world I've escaped to since I could dream. Fallen angels, hidden pathways, riddles, peep holes and trix..here's one -- first open door is a window. One, two, three...jump !!!!!!!!

SPB, Beautful stranger

Random shot of a random girl..a day in a life in a paralell universe

Bye

An old friend moving out of state. Not that we were all that close, but we shared some fun moments and a love for Chicago and dusty BG tunes. I'll miss this kitchen, miss being able to sing along, just plain miss him, someone who knew me way back when.., another missing link now..

Katherine

Thanks !

Darkness is upon me

I feel terribly violated, this, however, is home to my unrest, I will not abandon it, I will not bury it in cyber dust, I will not be reduced to spelling out my intentions, desecrating my bleeding soul, no one owns me. NO regrets.

Old Montreal, wanna go there

Fall.

Fall is here and I'm restless..I want to go places, want to stare out the train window on a long jorney, want that buzz I always get at the airport, butterflies in my stomach, anticipation, that special loneliness in a crowd I'm so used to, good book in route, small comforts of traveler on no mission but to keep going.
Bring. on. the. rain..

Karl Lagerfeld

Something about him, so magnetic..can't put my finger on it, but I love it

a rabbit hole

I'm slipping into this semi-comatose blah again..career plans on hold till daycare plans take shape..Disappointments abound. I'm mildly annoyed with most everyone in my life now, its heartbreaking to come to terms with not having any real friends..time and distance took away the ones I had, the others -- oh, who knows why..Now the better I do, the louder the silence, I've surrounded myself with people that can't help but watch, only they're watching to see me fall..And fall I will, my senses are shut, I can't tell who's who anymore and I don't trust newcomers..I'm tired of users, losers, I refuse to form meaningless relationships just because, this is garbage..One sick fuck in your life and its a downward spiral for years. Its not HIS fault, its mine, for needing sick fucks in the first place, and then for letting them define me, I am selfless indeed, I shall morph into something of substance for once, but that scares me..definition is death, no, no principles here, I want to escape instead, I would drink this anxiety away if I could..I feel so empty I could float away to my very own neverland just..about..now. I think I will. Plenty of pictures for me to hide in, in my perfect ghost town, in my perfect world.

The Wall, SPB

Its Britney Biatch !!!

OK, I don't know WHY, I just like the girl :)..She's a pistol, she could have been soooo back, but she sucked..No bringing sexy back, not this time :)

a ghost tram, SPB

Heraldic SPB

Ste-Geneviève-des-Bois

Amazing photo tour of the famous Parisian cemetery, a final resting place for many Russian royalty and "boheme" in exile..I never made it there while in France, so this is the next best thing..

random

A few little disappointments, a few high hopes, a day gone by. The most futile search is that for truth, especially to those who can't handle much of it. I'm glad it isn't me this time. Just selfishly gleefully slap happy not to be burdened by such crap. Life is inexplicably good when you realize you can keep both feet firmly on the ground while your head's way up in the sky. Discoveries of the day:
1. I can bullshit my way through anything.
2. I have a lot of bullshitting to do..

Tavrichesky English Garden

Every corner there I know by heart..almost drowned in that pond too. Magical place, my mistery garden.

St Mark's Square, Venice

Never ever wave bread crumbs in front of an army of street smart pigeons if you're not wearing long sleeves and a hat. It only looks like fun, I had scars for a week :)

To own beloved self

Mayakovsky, 1926. Larger than life, still.

Six.
Ponderous. The chimes of a clock.
“Render unto Caesar ... render unto God...”
But where’s
someone like me to dock?
Where’11 I find a lair?

Were I
like the ocean of oceans little,
on the tiptoes of waves I’d rise,
I’d strain, a tide, to caress the moon.
Where to find someone to love
of my size,
the sky too small for her to fit in?

Were I poor
as a multimillionaire,
it’d still be tough.
What’s money for the soul? –
thief insatiable.
The gold
of all the Californias isn’t enough
for my desires’ riotous horde.

I wish I were tongue-tied,
like Dante or Petrarch,
able to fire a woman’s heart,
reduce it to ashes with verse-filled pages!
My words
and my love
form a triumphal arch:
through it, in all their splendour,
leaving no trace, will pass
the inamoratas of all the ages!

Were I
as quiet as thunder,
how I’d wail and whine!
One groan of mine
would start the world’s crumbling cloister shivering.
And if
I’d end up by roaring
with all of its power of lungs and more –
the comets, distressed, would wring their hands
and from the sky’s roof
leap in a fever.

If I were dim as the sun,
night I’d drill
with the rays of my eyes,
and also
all by my lonesome,
radiant self
build up the earth’s shriveled bosom.

On I’ll pass,
dragging my huge love behind me.
On what
feverish night, deliria-ridden,
by what Goliaths was I begot –
I, so big
and by no one needed?

Window, SPB

posted by storcys

SPB, bits and pieces

Vegas

Roaming gnome part 2, Curacao

Boo

Rivers and Tides

The Fortress Aquamarine..sweet !

$14.500 cheesecake, anyone ?..the bling comes with, 80 carat aquamarine..

The Roaming Gnome

While in Russia, found a stack of prints from my however brief travels around the world..made my day as I thought them long lost to ex'es hacking my e-mail and subsequent loss of all my photo files..So, if you aren't sick of seeing me yet, you soon will be, as I scan and put them here, hoping it will prompt me to plan a trip somewhere soon..

channeling my inner Rachel Brice :)))

Yours truly, some time ago, shaking it up , practicing, in the most rediculous get up, but hey, it jiggled and jingled and thats all you really need :)

A fortune cookie said to listen to friends for a great advice -- and for once I will :) I guess I am going back to school in about six months when Boo's old enough for day care..As a lazy ass procrastinator I hate it, but I hate to miss another chance even more..PS Thanks for your support, guys ! There's this new nurse I work with who's been a great resource and keeps pushing me to go for it -- she wants a degree so she can open a nursing home for the poor in India..I just want more money :)

Contemplative

If you build it, they will come...

god, what a blah day, blah week, boo's sick, i'm getting sick, bunch of lunatics around me, i need a change of luck, soon

Bye, Yukotan

In Dean's wake..Me, in Cancun, 4 weeks pregnant..I miss that time

Absence

I speak to you over cities
I speak to you over plains
My mouth is against your ear
The two sides of the walls face
my voice which acknowledges you.
I speak to you of eternity.
O cities memories of cities
cities draped with our desires
cities early and late
cities strong cities intimate
stripped of all their makers
their thinkers their phantoms
Landscape ruled by emerald
live living ever-living
the wheat of the sky on our earth
nourishes my voice I dream and cry
I laugh and dream between the flames
between the clusters of sunlight
And over my body your body extends
the layer of its clear mirror.

memento more

City Morgue

Snake Charmer

So much for stereotypes. The best belly dancer I've ever seen is stick skinny, short haired, american, and goth :))) None of the fat ass arabic disco shit. This is the real snake charmer, or rather, the real snake :)
I miss my classes if only for a chance of a lesson with her :)..

Rachel Brice. Amazing

Well, well, well..When you build something up till the world is not enough -- consciously or not, it's likely to come crashing down and smack you on the head..good riddance, I can think clearly now..for now.

Brain Droppings

Nina, love the new look and the Carlin quote --I'm a HUGE fan, own all his stand up routine ever taped and his books :) I'll post my pic with new shades shortly, since you asked :) Its D&G aviators..

Haunting me, still..

Retail therapy

Nothing like brand new Dolche & Gabbana shades to make my day. No, I can't afford them, yes, I had to have them. Somebody, stop me !!! :)))

posted by sir_mmu

Kaka

As part of potty training showing Boo that kaka goes down the toilet..Looks down for a sec, mezmerized. Then goes "bye-bye, kaka !"..and blows a kiss :)))))...I'm on the floor, laughing...

Frank

There's no particular reason for this recollection, other than the conversation I recently had with someone who's into Latin social dance, and this memory came up, a moment shared with a man I lost touch with now. His name was Francisco, one of the residents I worked with, a man on a mission, to charm the pants off of me. Full of himself and seemingly desperate for attention..my kinda guy, usually :), but with my marriage on the rocks, he just wasn't worth the trouble. No one was, yet. I remained miserable but allowed myself no affairs, it was just too much to contemplate a double life when I could barely deal with what I had..So, escapism as my motto, I'd try anything money could buy to forget that I married a bonified asshole. Extreme fitness, exotic spa treatments, A-list restaurants, clubs, drugs, booze, countless men around me..I didn't sleep with any and bought nothing I could keep, which I sorely regret now.. but my conscience was clear and my imagination wild, so I allowed myself little adventures..like going on a date with a gorgeous Colombian medic 10 years my junior who had a huge crush on me..He went through my locker at work and found my scribbles on belly dancing..lost sleep for a while and sent me mushy love letters. Me and my girlfriend laughed till hiccups.. And then there was Frank who'd beg me to go salsa dancing with him..Dancing was his thing, aside from practice, he spent all his time in clubs, which I thought sad and pathetic for a grown man..Until one night after an ugly fight with my one and only I stormed out and on a whim decided to actually go. He was there alright, with a bunch of other docs I knew. He saw me and jumped off the bar stool, smiling like a maniac. I though of leaving right away but it was too late, everyone else was greeting me..So I stayed and had a few drinks, I thought his stare will burn a hole through my top..And then came the dance. I don't know what it was, salsa, mambo, reggeton..I couldn't do any of it before OR after. The music grew louder, the rhythm, soft and relentless, gathered strength..Honestly, I had no idea how GOOD this was going to be. He was amazing, and he made me move in ways I didn't know I could..I tried to talk away the awkwardness.."Easy, Frank, I'm vulnerable..".."Don't worry, you're safe with me !".."Too bad..".."Do you wanna be safe with me ?..".."I..I don't know.."...but the awkwardness was long gone, we danced with such ease and passion, smiling, steady, looking into each others eyes..one would think we've been a couple forever. The closeness, the heat, the absolute perfection of our bodies yielding to each other ever so gently..In those five long minutes I fell for him, lived a lifetime as his woman, bore his children and died happy, holding his hand :) And then it was over. We actually got applause, and just stood there for a while, swaying slightly, as if drunk. And then the bastard spoke. I don't remember what he said but it was all wrong. Something about going home with him. The thrill was gone and I wanted him gone as well. Wasn't his fault, there was just absolutely nothing left for us after that dance, except, maybe, a cigarette :) But he didn't smoke. And I had to go home to make amends with my husband. And so we went on, feeling strange about each other for a while, but never shared a moment like that again.

Things I've given up on, so far.

1. Learning to ride a bike
2. Winning Mega Millions
3. Parental control
4. Living in exile in Curacao
5. Good night sleep
6. Mastering basic geography
7. Owning a share on a Magellan Cruise ship
8. Having Johnny Depp's baby
9. Blogging for living
10. Getting an engagement ring.

Do you have a song you cried, laughed, made love to ?..here's mine, oddly enough..:)

At the end of the day..

I'd be nice to check all these off..here's my crude inventory of must haves..
1. Healthy boo.
2. Healthy me.
3. A man to love and a few to like.
4. A day off. Way off.
5. Money, enough to burn.
6. Home by the sea, but LM will do.
7. A good book.
8. A good drink.
9. Live music, often.
10. Live friends, more often.

Freaky Friday !

Lena's Day !!!
I'm listening to too much Johnny Cash, getting all wise and sappy.
No, just sappy :) I'm off to do NADA all day, it'll be beautiful !

Spellbound, still. Love you, baby.

http://www.gallery213.com/artist_pages/painting/A_UPART/a_upart_frameset.html

bad hair day solutions

NWO, I thought of you often while in Russia -- you would've gone camera crazy there :) The women are out of this world, tall, slim, hot pants and micro-minis are everyday casual wear, full make up and 4 inch stilettos just to go grocery shopping, these girls are unreal :)
And they're lonely :) Gotta be. Modern Russian men are hideous..

I am restless and I can't, can't talk, can't freely write it all out. If at 35 I can't bring myself to say -- fuck it all, this is my only life, I will live it as I wish, when will I do that ?..
Yes, everything is fine. Everything is terribly fine.

Ingmar Bergman

R.I.P.

uncomfortably numb

Nina, no dragons slayed..I think I've become one, though :)

in between

"only if I could feel the warmth
and not the pain"
Carson, my pockets are torn..:) I have officially lost my head, my heart, my sense of self. Or rather found it and had to leave it at the gate at the last minute. Anyways, I'm back, and I'm lost here, it'll be a while..it'll be ok when the pain's gone, I didn't know I have such deep roots..I didn't know I can feel so empty and still go on.. live and learn, when will I learn ?..

pic by GISS 1585

SPB

"One day people of St. Petersburg will wake up and see it's gone. Disintegrated into thin air, like a dream, a vision. And only the Horseman remains on the Finnish swamps, on his feverish, tired, beat horse."
Dostoyevsky

I'm leaving in two days. Of course I'm not ready. I'm never ready to go anywhere and that's just how I go. Never dressed for the weather, accident prone and always getting lost -- its a miracle I'm still around.. I go back with much trepidation, my ties with that place are not reliable, and every time I return some major life change knocks me off my feet. Still I keep coming back or rather fate keeps kicking me back there..Its as magnificent as ever and corrupt, nothing to be taken at face value -- you must decipher this city to survive. I've seen friends turn into depressed alcoholics and infantile derelicts..some are dead already. SPB's beauty is intoxicating, disarming.. Let your guard down and it'll lull you right into its timelessness. Time means little there. Like any great necropolis, its tuned only to its own phantasmagorical rhythm..As for mortals -- tough luck figuring out directions, street numbers, schedules -- no rhyme or reason whatsoever. A fortress, it still has that military feel, almost prismatic in perfect geometry of its palaces and canals,  replicating in perspective, their cold grandeur only enhanced by decay..Paranormal and grotesque, its a sharp contrast with the rest of orthodox Russia, and for all its beauty its as cozy as a crypt for some. All for good reasons. People tend to disappear, it never gets dark at summer, while the rest of the year is cold, damp and gloomy gray, driving up vodka sales and suicide rates. There are black holes at every corner, endless court labyrinths leading nowhere, all kinds of bottom dwellers lurking in the dark..This is indeed a twilight zone. Built on a whim of a mad czar in a stretch of wetland deemed most unlivable -- it has seen it all, the royals, the lumpen, the nouveau riche, inspired great minds and great turmoil. Russia's IT place for two centuries, its glory days now well behind it. It has taken on a life of its own, oblivious to les miserables that inhabit it. Poverty is striking, never mind the tourist traps -- dive into a labyrinth off the main street and you'd think you stumbled at a demolition site. People still live there, in completely walled off courtyards that never see the sun, live there like moles..They get by, with lots of booze and trademark black humor. They're tough. This cradle of chaos will only seize to exist if flooded by gulf, as it often has been, but I'm starting to think it undestructible. It only changes names, detached and invincible, floating well above here and now, shrouded in fog, an old Flying Dutchman, destined for eternity. And it's taunting me with memories.. I look back and my heart sinks, and I want desperately to embrace it, breathe in its salty air, touch my hand to granite pavements, run it through wroth iron gates, wander into its sleepy gardens once more....nod to statues and angels and pigeons..
peak through an open window, stairs winding down..
step lightly..
its likely
I'm caught in the middle..
a spell,
a riddle.
read it
or
beat it.
I'm
coming
home.

happiness is a warm gun

Was told the other night that I am inherently an unhappy, negative person not capable of enjoying myself. Ouch. Coming from someone who once claimed I brought happiness back into his life -- puzzling, at least..And you think you know someone..I didn't protest, it'd be silly, to yell back with fury about your happiness :) It did leave a bad taste and it still lingers a bit, it sucks to be reduced to a label..but I'm ok. I know happiness all too well, I count my blessings every day no matter how tough it gets, I have moments of bliss each and every day and I LOVE life, can't get enough of it, I always did. I've been happier, and I've been unhappier..I'm not selfless enough, I guess that was implied..Too bad. I'm tired of being demonized every time I dare say I'm sick or exhausted, I'll just keep it to myself and my blog :) Sorry for bad chi :))..

Once a Wonder Woman, always a Wonder Woman. 55 is looking good.

angel on a bottle

I'd like a swig out of that thing, looks promising :)) DT is so much fun