It was awesome, I slept, I snorkeled, I swam with NURSE- sharks (of all creatures :))and got bitten by a barracuda, and I drank my share of Blue Margaritas and I missed the baby like crazy and I'm back.. at work and tired..and just discombabulated..need more caffeine NOW

4 days till vacation, can't wait to get there, snorkel my ass off and fall into a drunken stupor :)

I want to write it down before this wonderfully indulgent bliss fizzes all out and I'm back to my usual frazzled self..Another day I managed to steal 2 hours of me time and went to a spa for my usual "sanity-restoring" package -- an hour long massage and an hour long steam shower. Massage was nice, not great..but I hardly expect more from a massage these days, given that I've had my share of massage-related thrills :)..My mind kept jumping from errands to bits of conversation to last nights dream..I couldn't relax for a while, and I couldn't feel my body well enough to appreciate the touch. I eased into it towards the end, lulled by the music and darkness and warm hands gliding up and down my body. Half-asleep I got into the glass and stone steam shower and finally I wasn't thinking back or thinking ahead. I just wasn't thinking. I stood there soaking and swaying a little, finally and fully aware of myself, of every inch of me, feeling my head clear as I lean in and press my forehead to a fogged up glass, warm water running down my back. My mind on the standstill, I'm contemplating droplets on a tiled ceiling, softness of my oil-slicked arms as I embrace myself, wet steam streaming up beneath me..I lather up slowly, catching a glimpse of myself on a glass door, smiling..I am at peace.

Happy New Year !

summer..2 weeks till Cozumel :)

Merry Christmas to all :)

OK..Another year's almost up.Time to reflect on this mess I call life. I must say I've come a long way from being a spoiled immature brat going on 20 while having passed 30 (disregard previous post :))). I had a child and I grew up, and I freaked out :) I can't believe the gap it formed between me and some friends that are still blissfully and ridiculously infantile. I'm not talking "silly" here, I mean this whole self-centered well-to-do and tragically bored crowd getting fashionably depressed from their own narcissism that I once belonged to and regarded as golden standard. But I'm certainly glad I "branched out" from this glittery void. Not just by having a baby and raising it without a live-in-babysitter so that I could go bar-hopping, but by severing the ties that lead nowhere, a money-crazed humorless sick fuck of a husband, an old paranoid and married lover that I have nothing more to say to, a negative old girlfriend that kept putting me down..I cut my losses and moved on, money-less, tired, at times bitter, but STILL happier than I ever was. I feel enlightened and aware of life in all its splendor, and hardship, and beauty, so simple, so real. I trully am a blessed woman :)

Something's up..I feel this tingle of anticipation..

I found love again :)))

Thank god I'm never in the city these days..4 people gunned down by some loon downtown Chicago, right where I used to hang out..My kinda town allright..:(

Funny thing about this blog..I have another one in a different format and mostly in Russian, a very busy, loud, bustling one with many friends and communities on board..and I know it sounds crazy but..I still keep this blog too for it feels like a dark, quiet room, peacefull and relaxing, with hardly anyone ever commenting..as if it wasn't an on-line blog but a true diary..its nice..

How refreshing -- to walk into a party having had just 3 hours of sleep and cleaning up crap all day and still be the best looking woman there..:) Or where they just exceptionally ugly bunch ? :)) Naa...I'm so vain :)

If I could just get over myself, I'd be fine. But then, I'd be dead :)..So I go on, creating all sorts of problems and busying myself with consequenses. Much like everyone else, I guess..I life of trivial pursuits ? Fine by me. I'll reinvent myself, go on tour and have another baby :)) PS Life's amazing.

Veronika

I'm lightheaded and lighthearted today..tired, mellow, comfortably numb. Humm of heart monitors behind me..Ts good to be alive

back from USSR

THIS is where I come from. THIS is fucked up. Is it any wonder than I feal like a misfit in most circumstances ?.. Growing up in the most unreal city where sun was barely out 6 months in a year yet it never got dark in summer, I still remember this sickly feeling, always cold hands and feet, exhausting long commutes in crammed buses and trains, this crippling fear of huge red banners hung atop the roofs and on the side walls--some monsterous angry lumpen and a she-male with their fists clenched under a PEACE sign (!!)..or equally scary obnoxious old loons picking fights in bread lines. BREAD LINES. ANYTHING lines. Adults'seeming self-righteousness and my own utter incomprehension of THEIR cause, the most bizzare messages put up in the dumbest places, like this "Hands off Angola !!!" placard in first-graders classroom corner where little hulligans were made to stand facing the wall in punishment (I knew that corner well..)..of having to repeatedly sing this grave song about "Buhenwalde Bell"(a nazy concentration camp), then march for hours to a drum beat..the pioneer bootcamps all summer long..that gnawing feeling of dull sadness and hopelessness that accompanied what was supposed to be (and still was, amazingly..) best years of my life, of constantly being drilled, intimidated, your loyalty to this mythical and frightening"cause" tested ceaselessly. A mass cult of glorified bullies, jocks, imbecills... No dignity, no normalcy. I never though this would end. I was 10. I never KNEW then there can be something else, I really thought there was something wrong with me for hating all that cheer..I'm still weary of uniforms and PC lingo, just for that :)

Well, the stats are in. The cardiac center I work in is officially #1 in Illinois and in top 5% in the country. Set in a picturesque uppety-up Barrington, where I still drive pass multimillion estates in awe cussing the damn rich under my breath..So if you're ever on the market for a quadruple bypass and have money to burn, look us up :) You'll be treated to a spacious private room with a view and a plazma TV and the very beautiful european nurse fluffing your pillow and pumping you full of drugs till you're happy. Ahh..

Thinking back on what was said to me, and more than once, granted, always during a fight :).. Apparently, I am a "second-hand" character from "Sex and the City" and all that was once intriguing about me turned out to be just a recital of those dialogues in one way or another..Hmm.. The show itself is basically a compillation of girl talk, fashionably dysfunctional, at times it seems forced or grotesque..how many true Samanthas are really out there ?..yet there's not a woman I know that won't identify with some character at some point. Interestingly enough, for me it was never a revelation, rather a validation of what I allready knew..yes, there happen to be some haunting parallels, and yes, a man I obsessed over for years is a spitting image of Mister Big :)..however ! most of this stuff is so everyday that its hard for me to believe it can seriously shape a grown woman's personality..a choice of accesories, maybe :) Are men really that put off by these girls, these caricatures, really, and their gripes that they would use them as a derragatory remark ?..

"I'm gonna live forever..
I'm gonna learn how to fly !.."
I'm officially back into my skinny jeans and high heels, the heads are turning, the tongues are wagging, I am SO back :)

If I ever wrote a memour it would be called "Surviving Great Loves, a tale of one long post-traumatic stress disorder".