While pondering the subject of why I still can't pace myself and wind up completely exhausted each and every night since I had a baby, it occured to me that as much as the obvious is to blame (little sleep, lots of chores..), thats secondary to what I all but lost post baby -- ability to live in the moment, to "stop and smell the roses". Me, a perpetual procrastinator, used to lounging with a book for hours and long walks for the sake of walking, with barely a sense of time when I'm not punching the clock..suddenly finding myself in a craze of multitasking, planning my life to death and thinking 10 steps ahead of "here and now". I realized it yesterday during a rare opportunity to go for a dip in the pool while someone watched the baby..it was rather chilly but the water was almost too warm, creating a steamy fog over the surface..it had just rained not long ago and the air smelled of the earth and grass and all those summer night smells I haven't noticed in a while. I was alone, swimming, splashing, floating..aware of every inch of my body -- agile, weightless, REAL. It felt so amazingly good-I burst out laughing. I was a whole person again, being entirely in the present, SEENG my hands glide through the water and thinking it at the same time, not contemplating yet another to-do list till my brain's fried..Later, I got busy at home and between that and baby's waking up at night I have lost this wonderful feeling. But at least now I know what I'm missing. Apparently, control is the opposite of happiness..