Ever since I can remember myself I've been torn between feeling lonely and wanting to be alone. These are not the choices I like, but that's what I'm left with at the end..From bullies to unattainable heart throbs to witty intellectuals I've always been fascinated with people I find intimidating. I've made it my quest to win them over..and I must say I have, always, eventually, won them over, if only to make me feel better about myself. Haven't felt better for any sustainable period of time though..Am I filling the void of my own emptiness and mediocrity ?..Looks like. I am lost. I feel as if I'm trapped in a time capsule while everyone around me has moved on. How strange is it that I connect with others rather well yet have no lasting friendships..I am terrified of anything coming to an end, and, on my own premonitions, I mourn these losses before they even take shape. And I feel as though I must leave to start over, as if I just start over again, I will get it right this time..I burn all bridges, I pride myself on being a survivor, yet its the ellusiveness of my own self I've been running from, my own crushing blows I'm surviving, I AM my worst nightmare. So now that I know its ME, what do I do ?..