In rare (and soon to be gone for good) moments of peace and quite I try to process all that's happening, not even trying to keep up with it, just dodging the bullets and bracing myself for whats to come soon..A complete uncertainty. Everyone in my family got ill to various degrees over the last few weeks, I can't but secretly dream of some drug-induced sleep myself..Its hard to come to terms with, but I guess my luck indeed has run out as far as "having it all". I still have my baby, my health and my looks (for a few years maybe..),but I'm sure as hell not meant to either be rich or free -- I had my run with it, it came at a price I couldn't live with, time to let go, cut losses, and assume the position. I'm being totalled by the worst case of "American dream" -- I'm now looking forward to getting a house I can barely afford even deeper into the cornfields of Midwest suburbia, some shit hole with a dreadful name like Waukonda where I'll spend my long bleak days driving from home to work to Wallmart (what else IS there ?..) trying to make ends meet, debt piling up, I'll be alone all the time, get fat, and old, and bitter and will go into shock accidentally stumbling over my old travel pics..Why is life dealing me blow after blow ???...Haven't I been through enough already ?..I always worked hard for everything but I would always get what I want, eventually..not anymore, my luck has run out for good. I am so tired, tired of life, at 35, and I imagined I'd just be starting now..god, I need a break..