hurt. i'm programmed to reason, to seek just explanations, to play fare. knowing well - fair is the opposite of free and so i'm doomed to fail. now all is fair, and all makes sense and it hurts. just like it did few years back, when i was setting myself up for this very pain. only i welcomed it then, lived it and loved it, unlike now, when all i feel is this black void of disillusion. now the outcome of all this hurt is sleeping peacefully next door. weird chemistry of escapes and anticipations, hopes, dreams, domestic disasters, beautiful minds and long talks, words, letters, messages, signs..love, by all means. it died. i knew it, knew exactly when it happenned, knew why, but i went on, afraid to say it outloud. i should've screamed, kicked, ran for my life.i didn't, and he didn't. and when it was no more, a child was born. born into this deafening emptyness between two strangers, into life filled with resentment and guilt. so much for love.. hurts.