My birthday's in 2 wks..as usual, I feel fragile about this time, I see things clearly and I don't like what I see..here's my bucket list, may it die here along with all the others I've made and tossed over the years..
-To be creative. Not bitch and moan in two broken languages into oblivious blogosphere, but to actually create, with my hands. I am amazingly tactile, I need and love to touch, feel, smell..My whole life filled with found objects and art I cherish, keep, connect with..yet I've created nothing and go on living in self-imposed sensory deprivation of a stuffy window-less office. At 38 I still need excuses to have my space just the way I like it, I collect memories and keepsakes for a shrine I'll build myself when I'm old and alone and, gasp, free to just be ?..I'm dying to loose myself in something other than a man for once..
-To be independent. Truly. Emotionally, more than anything else. Attention is addictive, and the more I get, the more I crave -- this is almost a chemical dependence..I need this dopamine high, I need to stun, draw, I need the dialogue..my mind says "don't go there", but my body says "look at me..." I live everything to death, and not exactly in good taste..The day I realize how much time I've wasted, I will break all the mirrors around me.
-To find peace. Accept what I can not change, fight the guilt imposed on me for years like plaque, breathe in, breathe out, let go. I am not responsible for any one's happiness but my own and my little girl's, to the point. I will not carry any one's burden -- I have been, for too long..My life is mine and its more than being something for someone. Too much given away in exchange for just words. Too little left to share. I am spent. I need to do some healing...
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