terms

I am acutely aware of a balance shift going on within me..amazed and amused by it. I never did have a strong sense of self, utterly dissolved in someone fascinating de jour -- they always just magically descended upon me, and I tend to go with the flow..The biggest choices I ever had to make were choices to leave. Leave a man, leave a country, leave nothing in your wake. The way to go was a way to grow..A child changed a lot of that. A hazel-eyed guardian angel carefully watching my every move -- suddenly I'm too cautions, guarded, afraid of heights. She protects me from myself. I take little steps back, every day, I'm giving up something no longer of value..Big chunks of personal freedom, vanity, drama. All that might come back and get the best of me someday, but for now I have neither energy nor desire to "be all that I can be"..to fit in, to keep up..Keep up with what ?..What does society as it is have to offer to someone like me ?..A place in a bar ?..Death by chocolate ?..Please. If it wasn't for motherhood, I'd be completely lost by now.