of no importance, just needed to be said, skip ahead :)

I've been thinking about my ex lately, not that I ever want him back, but I'm starting to see some things differently now that there's enough time and distance between us. I'd divorce him all over again but that does not change a fact that the man is a fighter (even though most of his punches aimed below the belt..) and a survivor, and I do owe him if not respect then sympathy, afterall. I did fall for him, head over heels from the first sight --and for the first and last time in my life..other men kinda grew on me over time..It took running into him on 3 different (and bad) dates before we actually spoke. For the record, my "dates" usually meant a dinner and a movie..I was getting over this huge affair and couldn't quite let go..and didn't, for some time --my new love turned out to be friends with the very man I was trying to get over, even resembled him..I sure know how to hold on to my problems :) Later he said he'd never had the guts to approach me if we didn't literally bump heads at a rock concert. All wrong for me, he was just all wrong, period, and I knew it right then but it was too late. Too long, too.. I just spent a year waiting for someone who was never coming back, I couldn't stand being alone and he was the first guy I didn't have to talk myself into. He was awkward, and dorky, and trying way too hard, but somehow it all worked..The guy I briefly dated right before him adored me, had tons of money he couldn't spend on me fast enough, smart, funny, with great friends..sent me buckets of roses every day for a week (one had a paid ticket to Vegas in it..) when I stopped returning his calls --never got past 1st base. THIS joke of a man, flat broke math student with no green card, no manners, no sense of humor, no common sense, either..he shows up and boom, I'm in love. That's one of the things that brought us together -- no common sense. I had none in relationships, he just had none. He was very book smart, very type A, and at war with what seemed like the whole world -- his college professor, his family, his roommates, his ex, even the clerk at Blockbuster :)..that should have been a red flag right then ! Nope. Didn't see it, didn't want to. I got me my tragically misunderstood mad scientist and he became my latest and greatest project before realizing that I myself had become his trophy... And in five short years I've created quite a monster. The rest of our live together resembles "Sleeping with Enemy" except he didn't beat me unconscious and in many ways owed me his new found "fame and fortune". There was absolutely no way to get through to him now, he was full of himself and impossible. He was loyal, even loving, in his own suffocating way, but I couldn't stand the fighting and the anger and the sheer deviance of his ways anymore. Tried to leave him once -- he turned to mush and promised to change if I stay..and I did, tried to leave him again as it only got worse -- he got seriously sick and I stayed to take care of him, tried to leave when he got well -- and he made it hell but this time I left for good. I've done my share of wrongs, but this isn't about that, his or mine..His amazing ability to work beyond hard and adapt and thrive where everyone else would just shrivel up and die -- this is what still blows my mind. I still don't know anyone as determined and hardworking as him yet so confused and vulnerable, poisoned for life with envy and greed..except maybe myself ..I still miss him too, though I don't love him anymore, he took a lot of me with him. Here's to perspective, to "time heals all" and to letting go. I hope his millions will buy him some happiness and peace, and I hope for my sake that happiness and peace are possible without the millions :)