stuck

Indulge a few fantasies and there goes the balance..An inch here, an inch there and boom, life will never be the same again. Delusions mingle with despair and you're now clinging to memories and vague hopes of either miraculous recovery or a quick and painless oblivion. And with so much at stake this time, I really am afraid. There's very little me in this life of mine right now. But this isn't even the bad part..It's not self-indulgence I crave, its peace and comfort of being myself in my space on my time, with my child or alone, and just an end to this crippling anxiety that's destroying me. There's no middle ground. All I wanted was to feel loved, and loved I am..so why does it feel like a cancer growth ?..And where is that comfort that goes with lower expectations ?..How can you be so overwhelmingly, flat out deviantly hooked on sex with a man yet despise his habits, his lifestyle, his attitude..Where is this habitual submissiveness stemming from ?..Why do I need a beast dominating me to feel like a girl ?..And I crave his affection and nothing less of love will do, monster or not, I will make him feel like a king cause that's what I do. This can't be good for me..or safe..or sane..