Curiously, I find myself more often in a state of disconnect..When I'm suddenly aware of self and the moment, its always a revelation, it takes little. As little as physically breaking the chain of events that comprise my day. I dwell on subtleties and dread conclusions. Lately I contemplate a lot more than I actually do, preoccupied with how I project rather than what I feel..Hate it. I want to unplug. I travel years and miles just spacing out but hardly ever go somewhere. I tend to look at self through someone else's eyes and have a hard time letting go of this exaltation of pleasing, delivering..I am somehow programmed to engage, reciprocate, constantly seek connection..Yet its the very break from this interlocked mode that replenishes me, brings me back. Or rather breaks me back, breaks the mold created by inertia, co-dependence, by this gnawing ache of fear brought on by cohabiting with forces far beyond my comfort zone. Is it bad to have a comfort zone ?..I fight mine like plaque and it is still there, calm, inviting..In my comfort zone I am above fear. My lingering, life-long fear of abandonment, my ever growing need of shelter, of protection. How can one be so afraid and so in love with life at once ? And I do do DO love my life. Peace of mind is but a dream and solitude brings no such peace.. Solitude is sublimated death. Its random bursts of happiness and change that sustain me. It takes little, it goes far, it is my salvation. Let it be.
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