"To you I'm an atheist, to God I'm the loyal opposition"

Next to see on the list of all time favorites.."Stardust Memories"

X-mas tree fun, she tries to wear most ornaments :)

relax....I did :)

anyone else misses these guys ?..I do :)

The only show I'd stay home to watch, way back when I watched TV :) Now I don't even have it hooked up much less having cable or tivo. Its all kiddie dvd's and netflix these days..and I just cancelled the netflix (budget)I still get my news online and listening to NPR in my car..but no TV. Funny thing -- its been 2 years, and I can no longer imagine just doing that, JUST watching TV. I guess the voices in my head keep me entertained enough :)

The Churches of SPB, great site, great tour.

http://www.enlight.ru/camera/churches1/index_e.html

http://www.enlight.ru/camera/churches2/index_e.html

St. Vladimir's cathedral

Home to St.Ksenia's icon, the guardian saint of SPB. I'd often stop by there on the way from college to light a candle. Its a beautiful church.

Today was a blur..and its only the beginning of the end..I am suddenly calm and assertive and in control (I rarely am..)..I'm ready for anything and blessed by the closest of friends..and a few kind strangers. I guess I am lucky, after all :)

Griffons

What you can't see is that this last guy's pinky toe is painted red :)

pale makeup-less monster coming at ya..BOO !

Behind the white out is my stepson, who is the most adorable 10 year old in the world. Unfortunately his dad has asked me not to post his pics..

:)))

Boo, pointing at my lap top today-- "Google, mama !"

YES !!!

Johnny Cash, lyrics by 9 inch nails. Love it..

Smolny, another view.

"And all I gotta do is..act naturally.."

Stopped by Borders the other day..Boy..The amount of sheer crap that gets published these days is mind boggling..Every coffee-shop bred mediocrity has a book out, it seems. Midlife crisis galore -- from memoirs to poetry, talent optional.. you've got nothing to say ?..write a book about it ! Novels by pounds, buy one- get one free with your latte..How sad, really. Save the rain forest, people, keep it to your blogs :))))

Smolny Cathedral

Closure is a wonderful thing. I let friends get away with murder, but this isn't a friend, apparently. No, there won't be any psycho-babble to elaborate on. My dignity is off limits. No more of this toxic waste. Case closed.

Hysterical, need sound

The day I see Bollywood do Hava Nagila would be..well, never. Brit should move there, she'd be huge :)

I will always remember this day as THE day I HIRED A NANNY. At last, I bet adieu to half my pay check and say hello to hopefully some sleep at night and some help at home. Yes, she's moving in (in 3 weeks)! No, I won't have any money left between her and the mortgage, but I think my daughter deserves a sane, stable parent and not the brittle psychopath I've become over the last two years. I just need a little help..It'll still be me putting her to bed every night but I'll let the professional handle the rest ( namely -- waking up every couple hours..) AND I can cook and clean while she takes her for walks/plays, or visa versa..and maybe even take a long shower uninterrupted (gasp). She's sweet, great references, AND a pediatric nurse. Wish me luck.

once again, I'm a misfit :)))

From NWO's wonderfully refreshing post, a quote:

"There are a thousand reasons that people are out here [in the forest picking mushrooms]. But mushroom pickers are all misfits in one way or another. That's one of the wonderful things about this industry: It gives the misfits something to do."

I'm AN AVID MUSHROOM PICKER.

Why, its nation's favorite past time, second only to drinking and fishing and now I know why :))) I loved it since I was 5. Its a skill, like hunting, you really have to know what to look for, and why, and when. And its therapy. Its incredibly soothing to just be that close to earth, getting your hands dirty, just being out there in the forest, listening to it, touching it..its so simple- its beautiful. The poor hopelessly screwed up soul that wrote that passage has no idea what they've missed out on. Let'em go out there and buy their dream machines with sounds of bubbling brooks and crap, it leaves more forests and mushrooms for us misfits :) Too bad there aren't any real mushroom forests here..

To NWO, too long for comment..aren't you sorry you asked ? :))

History, literature, paranormal climate (dark days- lite nites..)years of deliberate defiance of all common sense..It was forced upon the rest of Russia, built by a maniac on wetland not fit to sustain life, millions died creating his vision, millions more died later under siege, repressions, epidemics, just severe hypochondria :). Its soaked with death and depression and is utterly unnatural yet so breathtakingly beautiful and fragile, almost translucent, it appears to be floating through time, frozen..Imagine Amsterdam and Venice and Paris in one, now take that and stick it in friggin Siberia, throw in some toxic marshes..and stage a history's biggest bloodiest revolt followed by a century of godlessness and red terror. Cook on low for 200 years of not fitting in and barely surviving the winters, the floods, the crime and the punishment..(how about cannibalism during 900 day siege ?..) the post-war poverty and destruction..That's a recipe for disaster. It wasn't meant to make it. How did it ?..Some say God, most say Satan..Hence the damned city. It doesn't feel real, yet it is..it mystifies and creates most powerful illusions..of timelessness..you stay there long enough and eventually you feel detached..this overwhelming doom and doubt set in out of nowhere, out of the damn fog..the kind of mild anxiety that is habit forming, a state of mind. You become a shadow of the greatness (darkness ?)that is the City, fall hopelessly in love -- and it never loves you back quite enough..so you're never satisfied..Show me a satisfied happy looking Russian in SPB -- he's here on business for the weekend :) Oh, hell, we're all mutants there..Read some Dostoevsky -- he's SPB personified, it'll all make sense. Or just get yourself locked overnight in Louvre -- awesome ? YEAH !!! Spooky ? -- you bet :)

Fire..
Fire within these walls,
Burning for ages,
Till the last soul is lost..
Up in flames with no warning..
insane..yet saintly and sober
and in mourning
by morning.
And the sun turning black,
black as onyx,
since way back when,
always..

Goble goble

OK. So its me and Nina, two die-hard bloggers online on Thanksgiving eve. Everyone else is in Tofurkey-induced coma :) Yes, the jello was fantastic. Everything else was crap and shame on administration for not giving us a good dinner. Our own potluck was great though. I feel WIRED. Major sugar high. Just keep going and going and going...Though of another comfort phrase: Non-stop champagne flights. Its the weather..dreadful here now..I am so not ready for this winter...

SPB snapshots, click !

Batty

Batman's SPB flat :)

Is this the coolest window or what ?..:)

Once again, I am just amazed at how sick and tired I can get and still go on. I feel my body just screaming for rest while there isn't any in sight. Forget the defunct marriage, high-stress job and a kid who gags till she's out cold if you say no to anything.. forget not being able to cook, eat, drink, sleep and pee in peace as long as I'm home cause little mini me is hanging on my leg 24/7 and I'm the only one home. I still do it all. I AM Superwoman. A very angry, frustrated and exhausted one. And I swear to God I will hunt down and kill anyone who tells me THIS is the way modern motherhood is meant to be. No fucking way.

Sweet dreams..for sleep is but a dream

http://www.multer.ru/kino.php?id=18

Tavrichesky Garden and Palace

SPB is a city of many beautiful gardens, big and small..This one is MINE. Practically lived there growing up. I close my eyes on any given day and walk myself through every little corner and RELAX, if only for a moment.
Click on title to take a walk..

Summer Garden, early Fall..

title clickable..

random city angel

scared shitless

Boo's sick with cold, super cranky..I tried some new cold med the doc suggested -- did the opposite, she just got crazier, screaming, having a fit..I tried to take something from her (a lotion too easy to spill) and she got into a crying spell and PASSED OUT, in my hands, eyes rolled back, limp, for a few seconds. I gave her a breath and she came back, crying and pooping at once..I have NEVER been so scared in my life. I need a tranquilizer..

Nika, aka Boo

Ms. Mamma, help !!!

I'm sure you've been there with SF. I seem to be STUCK there. Boo will only drink milk from a bottle and only at night. She rarely falls asleep without the bottle and won't take milk in a cup during the day. If I just take something away she cries til she pukes and if she does that a lot she gets ear infections..HOW can I get rid of the bottle for good ????

Hair

Yes, it only took me 20 years but I finally figured out MY HAIR. And turns out it wasn't bad at all, it just needed some tlc. I never thought I'd say that, but I LOVE my hair now, cut, color, the works. And I'd never EVER brag about my hair, my ass -- maybe, but never my hair..

SPB, all washed with rain and ever so beautiful

click on title for more

Is this men's answer to "I will survive" or what ?..:))) Maroon 5.

I didn’t hear what you were saying.
I live on raw emotion baby
I answer questions never maybe
And I’m not kind if you betray me.
So who the hell are you to say we
Never would have made it babe.

If you needed love
Well then ask for love
Could have given love
Now I’m taking love
And it’s not my fault
Cause you both deserve
What is coming now
So don’t say a word

Wake up call
Caught you in the morning with another one in my bed
Don’t you care about me anymore?
Don’t you care about me? I don’t think so.
Six foot tall
Came without a warning so I had to shoot him dead
He won’t come around here anymore
Come around here? I don’t think so.

time. layers

century old news beneath the wallpaper. love it.

There are people that make you feel like shit or like a million bucks with one "hello". I managed to meet both tonight. Mixed feelings..

comfort signs

Stollen from NWO's links..This is eye candy to me. Don't know why, just see myself there on a frosty morning, warming my hands on a styrofoam cup, waiting for a friend to show up..LOVE such places.

OK, NWO, you pried it out of me ..on worst moments

I don't know about the worst, but here's a few really bad ones so far:
-I failed at the only thing I thought I was born to be -- a rich man's wife :) I had a nerve to want him to be NICE, too. Silly me
-I had a man take an explosive dump in MY CAR WHILE DRIVING me home in a bumper-to-bumper traffic. He had a fear of public restrooms..I had a fear of HIM since..
-I have a terrible allergy to MUSTARD and nearly died of anaphylaxis twice. Needless to say I live dangerously just by ordering out..
-I got a really bad perm in high school and was always seated next to a bald guy in class. We were teased mercilessly.
-I HAVE NOT SLEPT IN 2 YEARS. Can it get ANY worse ????

1978 drawing, "Nowhere road", SPB

words I find strangely comforting

-Continental breakfast
-Nanny
-Itinerary
-Cinema
-Patchy fog
-Ground control
-Marina
-Meringue
-Intermission
-Baby talk

For the record -- I have the most amazing, understanding and compassionate boss in the world. And no, I'm not just saying that in case she reads my blog :)))

10-20-30 virus

courtesy of Miss Mamma..
"What were you doing 10, 20 and 30 years ago?"

10 years ago I woke up from what seemed to have been a 5 year old coma, dropped 60 lbs in 6 months, dropped my first husband of 5 years, dyed my hair blond and got myself a brand new lover. Basically went through a very late teenage rebellion (I got it all backwards, at 15 I was a lot more mature and subdued than at 25)



20 years ago I was 15 and a timid fearful creature..I played the guitar and ditched school with my best friend. The days were super long and we never ran out of places to go. Amazingly, both made good grades. We "experimented", briefly, got scared of each others feelings and got boyfriends shortly :) We still write to each other.



30 years ago I was 5 and in a backyard gang, I was their fearless leader and we bullied bums an mean old cat ladies and dug for treasure in dumpsters. I jumped from the roof on a dare. Life has never been the same :)))

city kitty

Greece

Can't wait to go there with Boo, just look at that sea !..
And someday when I'm not just tired but old and tired and bored silly and my life is as pathetically cliche as a Pottery Barn catalogue I will sit back with my herbal tea and dream of all the places I've been too, and live vicariously through my girl who's gonna go everywhere I haven't gone..I shall start saving for her European tour now :)..

ice cream social at work..

Its beyond amuzing to watch surgeons and cardiologists that are filthy rich to trumple over each other for FREE ICE CREAM...

I walk through hidden SPB

Better than anything I'll ever say about it..

Boo is 2 !!!!

I don't really like change, nothing huge, anyway. But it so happens change just LOVES me..it inevitably finds me when I least expect, yanks me out of my comfy cushy dreamy denial and throws me back in the real world to face the music. TA DA. OK, then. I will do my best given what I got. I got trouble :) But I have a feeling I'll live. I didn't have that feeling just a month ago, I do now. I'll be ok. Back in the real world -- went for a fitness class, as I used to, this time a new girl was subing -- a tiny thing, half my size, but what a mean little booger ! Beware the angry little people -- men, especially, seem prone to fits of rage out of the blue.. That was one ass-kicking bootcamp -- everything hurts, still. I like this pain..makes me feel alive. But its no match for the bellydance classes -- that was as close as I'll ever come to my life-long dream -- to be in a bollywood movie :)))

Speak to me in riddles, speak to me in rhymes :)..
Odd to not be able to talk freely but I'll stay true to my word for now. Someone's been reading my blog, "sitting in my chair, eating my porridge", etc..someone uninvited..well, my dear intruder, I'm sorry to disappoint you but for quite some time ahead this space will be reduced to pics and random brain farts, you'll just have to wait your turn :)..Although it wouldn't be a huge deviation from my usual format :)))) What I won't do ever again is believe that people actually change. Once a psycho, always a psycho. One minute you're having tea and small talk together and the next they greet you in the shower with a butcher knife. Brr..

a place to go

Green's Zourbagan probably was a lot like Lisbon. I feel as though I've been there already..I simply must go and find out :)

places to go

There was these book I loved as a kid, about a girl waiting by the sea, in the fantasy city called Zourbagan, somehow Lisbon has the same feel..gotta go there !

a Fortress, bleeding

for Nina, with love

Toxic...
Yet touching.
Sweet smelling
poison,
so delicately bitter..
You knocked
on my door,
I let you in.
You took all
that
you could take in,
gave it a spin..
I let it go,
long time ago.
Can't live in peace ?
Sorry, I missed
my cue to talk
and not to talk back,
I'm such a wreck,
I just want to be,
You wanted nothing,
Nothing of me.
Two of a kind ?..
Hard to be kind
while falling apart
and severing ties.
I'm not very nice.
But I know
what I know.
No teaching
No preaching
No war
No more.
A piece of me
for a souvenir ?..
Of course !
All yours,
A bit of my soul
To go with new shawl,
Taxidermy's intoxicating,
That's some creative
Decorating !
You're a survivor.
You hold your own,
I taught you nothing.
I. Stand. Alone.

letting go

carson said...
i sit and stare and wonder where
i sit and sigh and wonder why
i sit and stare hoping things will change
i sit and stare and start to cry

I'm done. Soon to be free. I'm tired but calm. I feel good. I FEEL.

Nutrix Ghost over Paris...BOO !!!!

Nursedoom Momoko

..What an odd room.. Diamond shaped, six windows make a shimmering circle, drowned in street light -- a glowing angel perched on the windowsill. There's a Persian rug, a vase of bohemian crystal, an open book, an old rotary phone..usual nick-knacks in usual places, yet..I move about the space, touch the porcelain chess figures on the table..check, count eight green goblets behind the glass...check.., pass by a large leaning mirror and..check mate. A photograph, tucked under a frame, on an angle. I know her.. Know why angels rest on her windowsills. She's asleep in her bed two doors down the hall, beautiful as always, she's one of them. I sit on the edge for a minute then go, taking her picture with me, leaving the window open, leaving sleepy angels and cooing pigeons to themselves. This place feels like a musty attic at times..a grand one, but still..I wonder how far I can go if I leave it..Not far, alas..I will always come back here, even when I don't belong anymore, I'll still wander these streets and look into midnight kitchens with their tea and their quiet talk and nothing else will matter.

Lost Admiral

Something so sad about a lost statue..should have made it back before morning sun :)..