summer eye candy
(posted by NWObserver)

While pondering the subject of why I still can't pace myself and wind up completely exhausted each and every night since I had a baby, it occured to me that as much as the obvious is to blame (little sleep, lots of chores..), thats secondary to what I all but lost post baby -- ability to live in the moment, to "stop and smell the roses". Me, a perpetual procrastinator, used to lounging with a book for hours and long walks for the sake of walking, with barely a sense of time when I'm not punching the clock..suddenly finding myself in a craze of multitasking, planning my life to death and thinking 10 steps ahead of "here and now". I realized it yesterday during a rare opportunity to go for a dip in the pool while someone watched the baby..it was rather chilly but the water was almost too warm, creating a steamy fog over the surface..it had just rained not long ago and the air smelled of the earth and grass and all those summer night smells I haven't noticed in a while. I was alone, swimming, splashing, floating..aware of every inch of my body -- agile, weightless, REAL. It felt so amazingly good-I burst out laughing. I was a whole person again, being entirely in the present, SEENG my hands glide through the water and thinking it at the same time, not contemplating yet another to-do list till my brain's fried..Later, I got busy at home and between that and baby's waking up at night I have lost this wonderful feeling. But at least now I know what I'm missing. Apparently, control is the opposite of happiness..

huhtamyak

Valaam

http://www.enlight.ru/camera/az/index.html
I went there 17 years ago, secretly, with my boyfriend..my parents too have gone there when they were dating..I remember it at dusk, torn pink sky over black stones, tall trees shading the monastery walls..It was magestic, serene, sobering..The most beautiful landscape I've ever seen, yet so simple. Valaam, the monk island.

To live simply is the ultimate luxury, it seems...my own life's cluttered with duties and relationships and co-dependancies that are both blessings and burdens. And as trivial as my "mental refuge" place is -- a place of eternal summer, with long siestas spent in a hammock reading or daydreaming, dips in the sea first thing in the morning, bare feet, the smell of a sun-drenched deck, etc.., I know I will never settle there for long, except maybe for a rare and short vacation..and maybe that's best. I do find the sea and the solitude increadibly healing though..the energy I get from it is second to none, it clears the head, calms the mood, makes me feel beautiful, like a Mighty Aphroditie that I am :))

what a nice getaway that would make for a few weeks..ahh..

Went to see "the Break up" hoping for a no brainer chick flick to zoom out for an hour..that it was, allright, but its shot around my favorite places in Chicago, where I just don't go now that we've moved -- too long a drive, too cumbersome with a baby..stupid small shit that always presents itself whenever I feel like going. Anyway, the plot was unpleasantly reminiscent of my own "break up" and it made me miss the city so much, the lake and my old place, but not my ex, thank god..and not my old self either, although in this case, ignorance trully was a bliss, nothing like city living and lack of responsibilities to keep you feeling 20 for a decade. City keeps you young. And selfish, and often lonely..but hardly bored..there's something about this kind of "solitude in the crowd" when you're alone yet very much "in tune" with the flow of people and cars and street life, all this ceaseless movement that is life and energy itself. There's often an illusion of meaning where there's none, the fast pace is deceiving but addictive nonetheless..I am very aware of my age now and pleasantly so, I must say, as burnt out as I am, I'm more content and sure of myself now then ever. I'm a women of 34 and teenagers start to annoy me :) There, I've said it :)) Babies and kids, on the other hand, make me happy. Must be old age :)

my beloved foot sometime ago..and i just managed to bang a little toe on the playpen's metal foot..and quite possibly broke it. what a day. ouch

"I want to be with you so bad right now.. To touch your lips, smell your skin, cuddle up to you under covers with a window open.. To kiss your eyes till they no longer burn me, till you're asleep and I feel your breath on my cheek....I am discovering you every day.. There are worlds in you I can't wait to get lost in.."
I wrote this to my now husband 2 years ago, we moved out to burbs and had a baby since, now we work different shifts, hardly spend any time together, barely sleep and almost never kiss, much less "touch, smell, or cuddle" ..We just manage to have sex without all this nonsense :) I vividly remember this anticipation of a life together, a culmination of a timultious affair that involved major "demolitions" of all sorts.. and what followed is such a blur, I often wish I could "rewind" back to those letters, that amazing connection we felt with each other. And its not that I'm unhappy or dissapointed, I just feel like the essense of "us" has changed before it even took shape, before I realized there will be days when we'll have nothing to say to each other..and that's ok. I still love him, I'm still fascinated at times at boldness and finnesse and sheer wisdom with which he lives this life..but I do miss that brief moment in time when we were as one..

stairway to heaven ?..

I'd call this "City of Thousand Statues"

(foto by D. Abezgauz)

I'm reading this little book about things from our past, its very "place-specific" to where I'm from, things that ended up in junk yards and thrift stores years ago and are forgotten now..its a very "tactile" book, brings back memories from when I was 5 or so, of elaborate wallpaper patterns, tea drunk from thin glasses and a wall-mounted radio that never shuts up, of scary glass-eyed fox in the armoar.. and messes and gossip of all sorts, when there were no chores, only adventures, and you made play out of everything, from doing dishes to buffing old wood floors, or whatever else your grandma needed you to do. Things seemed to be around forever and there was comfort in being surrounded by old sturdy furniture, rugs and china that have been in the family for years..I feel uprooted at times without this stuff in my life, part of me is gone with them.

my sweet baby boo :) wearing mashed pears and a smile :))

http://www.rickross.com/reference/dti/dtivisitor.html

I am so done with Dahn..its everything they say it is, and it sucks you in like hard drugs until you're spent and broke and basically insane.

Its amazing how easily 4 hours of relaxation and peace are shut to shit by a few chores and a cranky baby and no help at hand..God knows I try..I should have married an older WOMAN, it would all be much easier..Men are for pleasure only, women are for life :)
PS Today will be a good day, even if I have to kill someone for it. Smile :))

What do you do when the doc is more confused than a patient ?..A 90y/o grandma trips and falls at home and can't remember what pills she's on and greeted at the hospital by an old (and I mean OLD) loon in a skin-tight skimpy spandex td tee (!!!) looking like he just got off a float in a gay pride parade, who's not even sure why she's here..No wonder she doesn't believe she's at the hospital :)..

Well, darn it..just found out I'm missing a second chakra-- center of joy, happiness and creativity..In Dahn teaching the source for all those is in our tailbone which I no longer have since a freak fall accident....No wonder I can't stomach all those shiny happy people in my group :) Its official, I am forever doomed to hypochondria and mediocrity, who knew so much good comes out of your ass..I do feel all warm and fuzzy though..But alas, no joy :)

Snorkeling,
Curacao..
sheer bliss..
miss it

What a drag..so slow tonight, so quiet..suddenly I got all this time to just sit around and I can't think of anything to say to others, tried to make small talk with a secretary and she went on and on about her future wedding and all the crazies in husbands family, and everything else I didn't need to know..Empty, I am struggling to stay awake, its been raining all day and baby kept me up at night as usual..baby, my sweet little girl, can't believe its been 7 months already, can't believe all the changes..I'm exhausted, and elated, and lonely and puzzled by life seemingly happening around while I'm buzy with mindless chores. The anxiety is unbelievable, its always there from the moment I get up till well past midnight when I lay awake in bed, tired and resentfull, not knowing exactly what is wrong yet unable to quiet my racing mind..