DREAM

da budet svet

pic by silver sound

Boo is 4 today !!!

no time

3 excruciatingly long meetings (one led by me)and a fire, how's that for a work day ?..no planned work done, nerves frayed, frustrated. BTW its very hard to rescue someone who clearly doesn't want to be moved. The guy I got out cursed me all the way through, kicked me in the groin and peed on the w/c..There we were, running through the smoke-filled hallway dropping f-bombs, both of us..But all were save, there was more smoke than fire..I got NO time. I wanna be bored for a change...

pastoral'

Liss

Место встречи изменить нельзя

Удивительно как жизнь всегда возвращает меня к одним и тем же точкам отсчета. Ничего эпохального, наоборот, незначительные казалось бы дежавю, где-то вне времени, в эпизодах. Бури, шторма, концы концов..и полная статичность декораций. Такой вот стоп-кадр в спа, куда меня заносит пару раз с разницей в пару лет. Тот же душ, капли на каменном потолке, тусклый свет, я так же как и в первый и в пятый раз, прислонившись к прохладной мокрой стене, вожу пальцем по запотевшему стеклу. Все то же. Я другая. Как-то давно расплакалась там навзрыд от усталости, в другой раз вдруг позвонил Он и у меня бешено колотилось сердце..отчаяние, радость, покой, один момент с разницей в годы. Спа, душ. Дубль три.. Мне всегда казалось что стены тех мест куда я возвращаюсь по прошествии времени хранят меня, и возвращают мне же как случайно найденный старый снимок. Все эти потерянные (найденные ?..) образы вечно застают меня врасплох и время останавливается, ненадолго..Одна и та же студия в которой я поселялась дважды с разницей в 5 лет, чудом оказавшаяся свободной как и я сама..Песенка из детства спетая моим ребенком. Чудом же уцелевший дом во дворе где меня уже 30 лет нет, и где я есть везде, чудом живая любовь, да так что до сих пор болит. Концертный зал, попадая в который я непременно сталкиваюсь с кем-то из прошлых или будущих жизней..Именно жизней, они переходят одна в другую и обратно, фрагментарно, без титров, с множеством маленьких смертей в тех местах где рвется пленка. Случайный момент, повторившись еще и еще, вдруг покажет все как есть..и лишит меня сна, пока привычный мой сумбурный непокой не погонит меня дальше, от себя такой к себе другой, и только стены моих домов давно знают что я тут совершенно непричем.

stuck

Indulge a few fantasies and there goes the balance..An inch here, an inch there and boom, life will never be the same again. Delusions mingle with despair and you're now clinging to memories and vague hopes of either miraculous recovery or a quick and painless oblivion. And with so much at stake this time, I really am afraid. There's very little me in this life of mine right now. But this isn't even the bad part..It's not self-indulgence I crave, its peace and comfort of being myself in my space on my time, with my child or alone, and just an end to this crippling anxiety that's destroying me. There's no middle ground. All I wanted was to feel loved, and loved I am..so why does it feel like a cancer growth ?..And where is that comfort that goes with lower expectations ?..How can you be so overwhelmingly, flat out deviantly hooked on sex with a man yet despise his habits, his lifestyle, his attitude..Where is this habitual submissiveness stemming from ?..Why do I need a beast dominating me to feel like a girl ?..And I crave his affection and nothing less of love will do, monster or not, I will make him feel like a king cause that's what I do. This can't be good for me..or safe..or sane..

a bit of sun in a stone well

ruminating, obsessions

I'm yet to fully enjoy my new place but I do love the windows, more so at night..I love to just sit there in the dark for a few minutes with the curtains blowing, shadows dancing on the ceiling, dusty shimmer of trinkets and books lit by moonlight. I could sit here all night. Something in these walls and these barely there summer nights..that long lost anticipation of a new day. I feel so cornered by life that any such moment of stillness and quiet contemplation is bliss. My perception is off..I need to space out to really see, but the daily grind just won't take me there.

+/-

I love my new place, love this shot of my window, a shot of wind through a mind gone stale. Bout time I reclaimed this space too, I'm putting too much value in aesthetics. Not anymore, its just me now and my heavily accented musings alone at last. So I've cured my sudden blues the old fashion way -- men. I came, I saw, I conquered three :) And only slept with one (mine) but felt like me again nonetheless. I'm 37 and look amazing naked. This will do for now..

Long days at work and buzy evenings at home turn to short unrestfull nites, another summer mostly missed. I'm not unhappy, I'm quite content, actually. Getting used to many little losses and expecting more, barely having the time to reflect on any..No impact, no harm done, none of it matters. I'm quietly mourning the loneliness I dream of and dread so much, welcoming a long rainy day ahead and all things coming to an end within me.

There's a method to my madness. Ever since I learned to bluff and cut corners. That high of cutting school and procrastinating till dead lines is still with me..I want to get away. BUT I JUST CAN'T lately, just can't carve out an hour all to myself. When will I catch up with what I love doing most and what I've perfected -- NOTHING ?..Now that could be a very busy bustling out-and-about nothing or a slow-mo ass-stuck-to-the-yoga-mat nothing or legs up with a book in bed mid-day nothing or all kinds of sweet nothings I so desperately crave..But no. Everything has to be meaningfull, and urgent, and important. I give up.

anxy

A shadow's hanging over me lately..Makes me want to wear garlic round my neck to fend off evil spirits..but whats the point..will a kind stranger spare a silver bullet ?..Oh, I'm wicked allright. I'm full of doubts. This feeling, it comes in waves of suffocating fear and regret and leaves me wondering where to go from here..As usual, I barricaded all the exits for good. I never leave myself a way out. A way out for me is a massive blast..I'm tired of all the action. Action is for those who believe in happily-ever-after. Love. All I want these days are affairs to remember. But who wants to be reduced to a page in a diary ?.. A man wants all of you, till all of you becomes the extention of him and you are basically gone, a reflection of him in your eyes and a warm body to cuddle up to at night. And the worst thing is this primal need to reciprocate, to give. Give him your all. He loves you so much. Loved and nagged almost to death, I'm out of place in this life of mine. I want peace, and to stop running from myself, to own my time again if only for a day..

Griffons

Брызнет сердце то ли кровью,
То ли тертою морковью —
Ах, поверьте, всё равно:
Все равно жестокой болью,
То ли гнётом, то ль любовью
Наше сердце пронзено.

И слезами плачут куклы,
И огнём пылают буквы,
И взорвался барабан:
И пошла под гром оваций
Перемена декораций —
Здравствуй, новый балаган

office space

Few things I learned working in a semi-corporate environment:
--When in doubt -- lie. Project supreme confidence.
--Shiny name tags and high heels instill fear. It helps if you're tall, too. Walk slow while your steps echo in hallways and tower over people. Smile like you're on smack.
--Beware the sociopathic binge drinking Irish janitor who actually runs the place.

rainy day in another life

Breakfast at Tiffany's..or close

I love Chicago. Love the way it makes me feel alive and on the verge of..spring, this time. A trip to the city from the bleak outskirts of Midwest suburbia is a perfect fix for my sensory deprivation. You can have the fenced forest preserves and the farms and cutesy houses on their cutesy hills (none of it is nature, anyways --where have you seen manicured lawns and pond fountains in nature ?..:)-- I'll take the city with its noise and grime and obnoxious cab drivers any day -- maybe because that's how I grew up, feeling 8 million people's heartbeat everyday..People need people to thrive..as for the loners which I proudly call myself -- its always easier to be alone in a crowd than face your demons in isolation. Sitting on a bench in a city park or at a corner cafe, watching people go by, I am closer to nature, MY nature, than anywhere else. SO. After a very suburban weekend of kids and more kids and picnics in da dreaded forest preserve, my dear BF swept me off my feet like only he can, and an hour later we were checking in at the Drake, THE DRAKE that I love, with its grand foyer, its heraldic dragons and live jazz in the tea lounge. Drake to me personifies Chicago -- opulent, grand, fit for a queen !..yet mellow and comforting and inviting. Woke up early morning..glass of champagne on the bed stand, Lake Shore Drive in the window..We had breakfast in the Prairie Room and felt like newlyweds. Spent a day in the city..Picked out a "retirement hotel" for ourselves on the way back home..no, it won't be Drake, but it will be in Chicago, before the cornfields get the best of us :)............