ANATOLE UPART

My husband's art..

http://www.uturn.org/Upart/

http://www.artsmuggler.com/gallery1/pages/

OLEG LEDNEV
http://finerworks.com/gallery.asp?U_ID=lednev1
My dad's amazing works..

My city of angels

I need a good book and some quiet contemplation..I need something..a break from mindless blogging, for sure :)..more money, more time, more space..ok, good book it is..though I can't help but feel that one day I will strike gold and live in comfort and luxury I so desperately crave. I'm hopeless :)

Speaking of oddly touching..

Cheers ! I miss these folks..they're all over now, lost touch..

stolen from NWO.

its mesmerizing..isn't it ?..:)

I'm coming home..sometime this summer

10 things most people don't know about me, in no paricular order of lunacy..

1. I can't be beat at ping pong
2. I'm happy (really, I am )
3. I'm a huge Sheryl Craw fan
4. I have no tail bone
5. I was in a threesome
6. I love everything Martha
7. I worship my skin
8. I had a bizzare crush on my nursing school teacher, a large, middle-aged angry woman
9. I once ate 2 pounds of beluga caviar in one sitting
10. I am deadly allergic to mustard

A fortune cookie promised me an unexpected encounter today. It turned out to be this horrid looking racoon-eyed alcoholic patient with lice and infectious diarrhea. Confused and unsteady, he kept getting out of bed and each time the bed alarm would go off with a "take me out to the ball game". Fuckin cookie.

THIS is the one thing I look forward to on a day like this. So simple, yet completely unattainable for god know how much longer..

posted by Sabsilma.
too cute..
btw I got tulips on my table shade of pale dusty blue..never saw those before. I usually like'em pure white..

A sure way to suck the life out of life is to analyze every fart to death. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. To hold on to pent up anger, too. Reflect without regressing, love without possessing, give without second-guessing :) )) ..and you shell be blessed. Today I'm blessed :)

Географический кретинизм, образное мышление, или ох уж эти сказочки.

Мои пробелы в географии и неспособность ориентироваться в пространстве непостижимы уму. И нет, нельзя всю жизнь винить в этом пневмонию в 3-ем классе и сучку географиню невзлюбившую меня с первого дня. Это болезнь. Ментальный блок. Обладая общим кругозором городского европейца, я понимаю в целом, но не врубаюсь в частности. На карты смотрю как на картины -- красиво, рельефно, живописно и хорошая цветовая гамма. Могу повесить на стенку как декор и изучать перед сном какой-нибудь Буркина Фасо. Та же карта в машине вызывает временный столбняк. Компас люблю как ворона блестящую пуговицу -- завораживает, блестит стрелочками. Пошлите меня куда-нибудь на юго-восток и я никогда не вернусь. С северо-запада. Посылы к озеру понятные каждому жителю Чикаго приравниваю к посылам нах и очень обижаюсь. Как я так дожила до своих 39 лет и не исчезла бесследно в том месте где кончился бензин -- загадка..Это с детства. С того самого момента когда в мою неокрепшую психику проникли загадочные сообщения и мифические ориентиры оставленные повсюду Великими Совковыми Богами. Где-то там, между "Пока мы едины-- мы непобедимы" и "Руки прочь от Анголы !", география перестала быть таковой и плавно перешла в эпос всех времен и народов, реальных и фольклорно-сказочных. Монотонное бурчание диктора про конфликт с Мальвинскими и Фолклендскими островами транслировался в моей голове в поруганных мальвин и злых артемонов, республика Чад в дымящуюся коммунальную кухню, сектор Газа -- во что-то из Беляевских ужасов про жидкий воздух..Больше всего будоражила "гонка ядерных вооружений" (ядра -чистый изумруд..это еще как сюда попало..). В этом чувствовался порыв и олимпийский дух, как в метании ядер на олимпе голыми греками. Добавить к этому мою любовь к чтению всех подряд вывесок по ходу автобуса/троллеибуса/трамвая.."пиво-воды-бакалея-галантерея-детский мир"..ГОЛЫХ но вооруженных буденовцев на подступах к Октябрьскому Залу.. страшных, косматых каменных баб с серпами/венками/мертвыми младенцами..идолища языческие, языческим же огнем освященые..Культ Войны. Культ Смерти. Мой зародившийся где-то там фетишизм -- белые гольфики, синие юбочки, прямые коленки, вынос флага под барабан, равнение на знамя..Физрук кончал в пол, я точно знаю. Kакая география/топография с такими ориентирами. Транспаранты. Неизвестные солдаты. Мемориальные доски, пентограммы. Номера домов от балды придуманы, С ДРОБЯМИ. Налево пойдешь -- не дойдешь, направо пойдешь - пропадешь, позади -- Москва, впереди -- трава, на траве дрова..Дворы темные, все по кругу, кольцами, над головой смыкаются..тупик. Тут и послышится из грязных подъездов, шепотом: "Вы и убили-с..". Тут и не такое послышится. География -- это банально, нужен элемент неожиданности, адреналин знакомых знаков в незнакомых местах. Заблудишься -- тыщу раз, соскучишься -- никогда. Я вот скоро домой пойду, надеюсь доеду :)

THANK GOD FOR BARNEY

unbelievable. googled my old address in Russia and voila..

a long lost friend. lost to petty passive-aggressive assaults that only women do to each other..too bad

just found a pic of myself at a party in Boston while googling a long lost friend

Hate to be cornered :)

recollection

More crap from the bogus captain.
Found this, a diary entry from 3 years ago..

"Funny how things are..I'm loosing sleep over a phone call. A casual message left on my mashine and, just like that, you're back..uninvited, unsurpassed, and larger than life. It isn't new, and I accept this intrusion like I accept a scar on my wrist, I take it in knowing this will soon pass and, like a virus, lay dormant in me..untill you call again.
You know I'll never say this to you. As long as we don't name it, I am one of your worlds and you're one of mine. What are we, anyway ? Friends ? Friends don't give me chills..
Your calls don't leave me guessing anymore, I expect nothing. It's your voice that still gets me, bringing back restlessness and daydreams. It cuts deep into my mind with images of us, of the past we never saw quite the same way..the one that haunts me and makes you feel uneasy. I won't say it..I will live out my wildest dreams without you. Without you. I really miss you now..At times I wonder if I haven't dreamt it all, but then you call me. ."

Time

On my trip to St. Petersburg, Russia in 2003











TIME
"It's been ten years. They say one can't enter the same river twice, yet tonight I find myself going back in time, to the world where time had no meaning, where voices carried long over hot tin roof tops and sweet brier filled the air on a sheer summer night. The sites and sounds of city that eludes me to this day.
I open the gates and walk into an old school yard. Graffiti-covered walls, rubbish, hopscotch chalked into asphalt..no one here but stray cats. I sit on cold steps and light a cigarette. Whatever possessed me to come here so late..An old song runs through my feverish mind, over and over, I say the words out loud and the door slams in the wind. Time's got nothing on me..I'm home.
My old house -- ghostly and surreal in the night, back windows broken, stairwell lit up by a lonely light bulb. Going upstairs, my footsteps echo and I pause, overcome by visions and tears. Time. I feel it now. It's in these very shapes, shadows, scents. Time is a dusty oak tree peeking in, a name carved in the banister. Ten years gone by. Time is staring at me through a shattered window..
My door at last but I won't ring the bell. I won't disturb this great slumber, for I am sure now that one can't enter the same river twice. I run out and don't look back. These crumbling walls will no longer keep me safe. I leave behind a lost world, a time capsule never meant to be opened. No pain, no scars, but a mark left..and then I'm back, knowing life will never be the same again."

Here's another blast from the past..A few years ago I was really into belly dancing, or you might say really bored and looking for some cheap thrills..and thrills I got :) Again, no escapism here, all true, all me, all the time :))) The picture is of another dancer though -- mine were all destroyed in a fury by my ex..
"...A long-haired woman in her 40s shows me dance moves in the basement of her house. Just the two of us, the floor's cold..I pay her by the hour. She's gypsy-like, feminine. She danced in Cairo. I watch her hips thrust in rhythmic circles, her face lit up , gold bangles flying up her arms..A Goddess, powerful and elusive, a glimpse into divine Womanhood that shatters my fragile androgynous ego..What sweet pain this is..She puts her hands on me and I melt..Our bodies move in sync, music gives way to steady drumbeat, steady, then slow, then up again..Possessed by an unknown pleasure, I submit to her voice, her knowledge, the sheer ecstasy of our dance..
I go home past ten, trembling, elated, and aching all over. Tomorrow I'll go to my Chinese masseur and he'll put me back together with his chanting, candles, and warm oils..I'll lay there face down...exhausted, exasperated, thinking what might all this passion bring me next..."

Krakow. Foto by D. Abezgauz

Why is that I look at any random pic of old Europe and think "home" ?..after I've lived in Chicago for over a decade. "Home" is where I'm most comfortable, after all..and that's Chicago. But who wants to wander Michigan Avenue unless they're on a shopping spree with soon to be ex-husbands credit card ?..:)

I can find comfort in convinience, glitzy industrial charms of American megapolis, its chain book stores and starbucks and SUVs..Its a living :) But its hardly home. Home needs ROOTS. Roots take time, history, layers of life and death to sustain new growth..Home is a Family Mansion, century-old oaks, gorgoiles and ghosts and all :))), not a shiny new penthouse..but that is highly debatable..:)

There's this huge chunk of life I store in my "saved" file..one hell of an affair to remember. Its just there along with all kinds of odds and ends -- I was writing "posts" before I knew there where blogs :)..I guess I will start putting them out here, where they really belong.
This was lived and written on this very day 3 years ago..

"I am spellbound. An unexpected glimpse into the world of beautiful visions and profound thoughts.. you exploded in my mind in a myriad of gilded shards and I am bleeding now, humble and quiet before you. I am taken over by our fleeting moments together and sheer poetry of our letters. I am free-falling.. "

and then 6 months later..
"the sketches...wish I could rewind back to a quiet afternoon when I first set in front of you.. and there was music and light and peace.. with your eyes on me, darkest and deepest I ever saw, I never wanted it to end...For the first time ever I felt complete.. then I took a big chunk of my life and blew it up to pieces. Watched it die.. and something in me died with it, and something else came back to life.. but through all this I remain spellbound ... "

I now know why I blog. Last night I was desperate to confide in a friend and realized there's no one I know disent enough to keep a secret and not make my life into a gossip fest for the next party..Ironically, I'm better off venting in cyberspace.
I'm just so fucking lonely

Happy International Woman's Day !

Started by feminists last century, this is still a big deal in most Eastern-European Block :)...On March 8th, you get flowers, gifts, compliments and a break from chores..for the rest of the year -- you're screwed..

So far I got roses, chocolates (from a Polish patient..), a few calls and text-messages, and lots of red apples shaped into a big heart on my kitchen table..:)

Here's to Woman's Day every day of the year !

My superstitions actually do work. I have this silly notion that whenever I hear Sade on the radio -- its my good luck charm and a sign that whatever I'm about to embark on will go well. Sure enough, as I neared the hospital today anticipating my performance review and a likely reprimand for my tardiness and blowing off meetings, there she was .."this is no ordinary love..." I smiled my best smile, marched into that office and came out with an outstanding review and a raise. I'm getting me an amulette with her pic on it, the woman's my guardian angel :)))

Andy Goldsworthy

Andy Goldsworthy.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Goldsworthy
Since I first saw "Rivers and tides" I am forever hooked on his work, himself, his increadible nowadays gift of looking and SEEING. Pure, magestic, raw. LIFE. IS. BEAUTIFUL.

Chocolate will always love you back. Just discovered dark-chocolate covered almonds. Its a good thing :)

its snowing and windy out, baby just fell asleep..I got tonns of housework and my mind wanders..endless daydreaming and chores -- why, I'm a regular Cinderella these days :)..If only I'd make up my mind as to what it is I want out of life ..I seem to have it all but not at once :) Thus, between all the men I've dated I could have made a perfect one -- smart, funny, tall, rich, easy going, sexy, crazy about me. I had time and money but no real family, I have family now but no more time or money, and with the grass always greener on the other side I'm never really satisfied.. Is it so unreasonable to want it ALL ??..

Husband's in Verona now with his son (his vacation, I went to Mexico in February..) I've been there 5 years ago and absolutely loved it, its medieval charms and flocks of nuns and pigeons and the best gelato I've ever had..

I love you, man..even if you're a cartoon character by now..I will always love you ..:)

a bit dated "before and after" of our living..what on earth posessed me to get rid of the shutters ??..I LOVE shutters, they were there and they fit, and we dumped them..my husband feels the same, so we're both puzzled..

NWO-inspired. Frozen pool ouutside my window..

I have a vision of my perfect home..it's a mix of large open spaces and cozy little nooks, with lots of sunlight coming through its many large windows and french doors, it has an attick, a veranda and a garden with fruit trees, a swing, and a tree house. The floors are warm worn wood, so is the furniture..A few comfy couches and chairs perfect for curling up with a book or laptop, linen draperies and honeycomb shades. Floor to ceiling bookshelves, wall space undescernable under my husbands paintings and prints and kids drawings. A nice kilim rug by the fireplace, lots of plants. Large sunny kitchen with warm terracota tile, lots of tea and coffee pots, and a breakfast nook overlooking the garden. A spacious bathroom with stone floors, big window, and a steam shower..A bedroom that's cool and quiet, with fresh starched white bedlinen on a bed thats never made..Kids rooms -- any way they like'em.
What I'll never have in my dream house -- anything black-and-glass-and-pleather bachelor pad style, anything "contemporary Italian", wall-to-wall carpeting, formica, empty white walls, fake flowers, doilies, fake fireplaces, glass clowns, bad art, wall-to-wall neighbours.
I've been to too many high budget houses that look and feel like dental offices..clearly, money can't buy you taste..Yet taste alone won't bring you money. Well, I'll keep on dreaming then :)

I got weird chemistry going on with a few people..There's one casual girlfriend that pretends to be my BFF while our lives barely cross, at times she's so patronizing and self-righteous I can barely stand her as, I'm sure, visa versa..and yet we keep up this song-and-dance..write in each other journals, make plans for girls nights out..I can't explain this whole love-hate thing, I trully wanted to be there for her when she had some man trouble yet the moment we met and I saw that smug face of hers I just shut down, and so did she, it was a waste of our time..yet we're willing to do that again. I caught myself wanting to hug her and strangle her at the same time, and that's just not me. She happens to write amazing poetry, btw. She's very much a plane Jane otherwise, too much so..vulnerable yet viscious at once. I'm stuck. Men are so much easier :)..

Rest in peace, dear Anna..for all its worth, it takes guts to live life as a Woman in a men's world, you were certainly one of a kind and I'll miss you

10 things I can't stand in a friend, as it turns out:

1. Those that act like they know me (not a clue)
2. Those that act like they know it all (likewise)
3. Unsolicited advice
4. Argumentative pretentious anyone other than me
5. Blatant disregard for my time and personal space
6. Talking down to people that have real jobs
7. Being cheap, loud and obnoxious
8. Pretending to be drunk when you're not
9. Being spoiled rotten and bored silly
10. Being absolutely oblivious to life outside your own sorry little world

Ahh..Nothing like the right book at the right time. "The Art of Travel" by Alain de Botton. I finally got around to reading yesterday while Veronika took a nap..parked myself in a big chair by the window with a splash of Blue Curacao as brilliant as the Carribean sky itself..and off to Barbados I was, recounting all the island trips I ever took, all in one big sun-drenched flash, but that wasn't the point..I read the essay in one breath marveling at how in tune it was with the way I feel when I travel or want to travel.. the intimate, intricate web of desires and worries and anticipation..this whole elusive "living in the moment" thing -- it can't be done for any sustainable lenght of time, it just can't, not in the real world, not by a living, thinking human being -- we're never there, but how we long for this precious standstill..Its too conditional, yes..and all it is really is playing catch with your own wondering mind...Love this book, highly recommend it..
http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0375420827/ref=sib_dp_pt/105-9815959-2553201#reader-line

Is it time I got me some happy pills ? I'm too easily depressed these days, and I can't do much about the stress and the lack of rest in my life, never mind a week of vacation, that bliss only last me a day back home..Both my parents take'em, maybe I'm doomed to never feel satisfied with my life..On the other side, maybe I should have another baby and just forget about myself already and live through my kids..I make cute babies, I'm up with one, might as well be up with two..and what else is left there for me alone ?? Great love ? Adventure ? Brilliant career ? Please...I'm in my mid 30-s, married for the 3rd time (I'm sure as hell not trying that again..), I've traveled the world, had a few amazing love affairs, and a few really bad ones..I turned 30 feeling like a kid and looking like a runway model -- all this is in the past now...I'm just another tired woman, my house is a mess, my mind is too. And love ? My husband once adored me like no other, he barely looks up when I come home now. Not that I have a lot to give back, anyway. I really am a "has been" in one too many ways. Just got to accept it and go from there..

It was awesome, I slept, I snorkeled, I swam with NURSE- sharks (of all creatures :))and got bitten by a barracuda, and I drank my share of Blue Margaritas and I missed the baby like crazy and I'm back.. at work and tired..and just discombabulated..need more caffeine NOW

4 days till vacation, can't wait to get there, snorkel my ass off and fall into a drunken stupor :)

I want to write it down before this wonderfully indulgent bliss fizzes all out and I'm back to my usual frazzled self..Another day I managed to steal 2 hours of me time and went to a spa for my usual "sanity-restoring" package -- an hour long massage and an hour long steam shower. Massage was nice, not great..but I hardly expect more from a massage these days, given that I've had my share of massage-related thrills :)..My mind kept jumping from errands to bits of conversation to last nights dream..I couldn't relax for a while, and I couldn't feel my body well enough to appreciate the touch. I eased into it towards the end, lulled by the music and darkness and warm hands gliding up and down my body. Half-asleep I got into the glass and stone steam shower and finally I wasn't thinking back or thinking ahead. I just wasn't thinking. I stood there soaking and swaying a little, finally and fully aware of myself, of every inch of me, feeling my head clear as I lean in and press my forehead to a fogged up glass, warm water running down my back. My mind on the standstill, I'm contemplating droplets on a tiled ceiling, softness of my oil-slicked arms as I embrace myself, wet steam streaming up beneath me..I lather up slowly, catching a glimpse of myself on a glass door, smiling..I am at peace.

Happy New Year !

summer..2 weeks till Cozumel :)

Merry Christmas to all :)

OK..Another year's almost up.Time to reflect on this mess I call life. I must say I've come a long way from being a spoiled immature brat going on 20 while having passed 30 (disregard previous post :))). I had a child and I grew up, and I freaked out :) I can't believe the gap it formed between me and some friends that are still blissfully and ridiculously infantile. I'm not talking "silly" here, I mean this whole self-centered well-to-do and tragically bored crowd getting fashionably depressed from their own narcissism that I once belonged to and regarded as golden standard. But I'm certainly glad I "branched out" from this glittery void. Not just by having a baby and raising it without a live-in-babysitter so that I could go bar-hopping, but by severing the ties that lead nowhere, a money-crazed humorless sick fuck of a husband, an old paranoid and married lover that I have nothing more to say to, a negative old girlfriend that kept putting me down..I cut my losses and moved on, money-less, tired, at times bitter, but STILL happier than I ever was. I feel enlightened and aware of life in all its splendor, and hardship, and beauty, so simple, so real. I trully am a blessed woman :)

Something's up..I feel this tingle of anticipation..

I found love again :)))

Thank god I'm never in the city these days..4 people gunned down by some loon downtown Chicago, right where I used to hang out..My kinda town allright..:(

Funny thing about this blog..I have another one in a different format and mostly in Russian, a very busy, loud, bustling one with many friends and communities on board..and I know it sounds crazy but..I still keep this blog too for it feels like a dark, quiet room, peacefull and relaxing, with hardly anyone ever commenting..as if it wasn't an on-line blog but a true diary..its nice..

How refreshing -- to walk into a party having had just 3 hours of sleep and cleaning up crap all day and still be the best looking woman there..:) Or where they just exceptionally ugly bunch ? :)) Naa...I'm so vain :)

If I could just get over myself, I'd be fine. But then, I'd be dead :)..So I go on, creating all sorts of problems and busying myself with consequenses. Much like everyone else, I guess..I life of trivial pursuits ? Fine by me. I'll reinvent myself, go on tour and have another baby :)) PS Life's amazing.

Veronika

I'm lightheaded and lighthearted today..tired, mellow, comfortably numb. Humm of heart monitors behind me..Ts good to be alive

back from USSR

THIS is where I come from. THIS is fucked up. Is it any wonder than I feal like a misfit in most circumstances ?.. Growing up in the most unreal city where sun was barely out 6 months in a year yet it never got dark in summer, I still remember this sickly feeling, always cold hands and feet, exhausting long commutes in crammed buses and trains, this crippling fear of huge red banners hung atop the roofs and on the side walls--some monsterous angry lumpen and a she-male with their fists clenched under a PEACE sign (!!)..or equally scary obnoxious old loons picking fights in bread lines. BREAD LINES. ANYTHING lines. Adults'seeming self-righteousness and my own utter incomprehension of THEIR cause, the most bizzare messages put up in the dumbest places, like this "Hands off Angola !!!" placard in first-graders classroom corner where little hulligans were made to stand facing the wall in punishment (I knew that corner well..)..of having to repeatedly sing this grave song about "Buhenwalde Bell"(a nazy concentration camp), then march for hours to a drum beat..the pioneer bootcamps all summer long..that gnawing feeling of dull sadness and hopelessness that accompanied what was supposed to be (and still was, amazingly..) best years of my life, of constantly being drilled, intimidated, your loyalty to this mythical and frightening"cause" tested ceaselessly. A mass cult of glorified bullies, jocks, imbecills... No dignity, no normalcy. I never though this would end. I was 10. I never KNEW then there can be something else, I really thought there was something wrong with me for hating all that cheer..I'm still weary of uniforms and PC lingo, just for that :)

Well, the stats are in. The cardiac center I work in is officially #1 in Illinois and in top 5% in the country. Set in a picturesque uppety-up Barrington, where I still drive pass multimillion estates in awe cussing the damn rich under my breath..So if you're ever on the market for a quadruple bypass and have money to burn, look us up :) You'll be treated to a spacious private room with a view and a plazma TV and the very beautiful european nurse fluffing your pillow and pumping you full of drugs till you're happy. Ahh..

Thinking back on what was said to me, and more than once, granted, always during a fight :).. Apparently, I am a "second-hand" character from "Sex and the City" and all that was once intriguing about me turned out to be just a recital of those dialogues in one way or another..Hmm.. The show itself is basically a compillation of girl talk, fashionably dysfunctional, at times it seems forced or grotesque..how many true Samanthas are really out there ?..yet there's not a woman I know that won't identify with some character at some point. Interestingly enough, for me it was never a revelation, rather a validation of what I allready knew..yes, there happen to be some haunting parallels, and yes, a man I obsessed over for years is a spitting image of Mister Big :)..however ! most of this stuff is so everyday that its hard for me to believe it can seriously shape a grown woman's personality..a choice of accesories, maybe :) Are men really that put off by these girls, these caricatures, really, and their gripes that they would use them as a derragatory remark ?..

"I'm gonna live forever..
I'm gonna learn how to fly !.."
I'm officially back into my skinny jeans and high heels, the heads are turning, the tongues are wagging, I am SO back :)

If I ever wrote a memour it would be called "Surviving Great Loves, a tale of one long post-traumatic stress disorder".

My patient made me these sleepers..sweet :)

posted by kolos_s

if you look long enough it will suck you in..:)

...I know, I know..ok, I don't want to know, I just can't help it :)
the One, the Only, the intolerably charismatic, ..profoundly full of coccaine and profesies, effortlessly complicated and easily confused, mildly plagiarizing, but always in good taste..:)..godly or gaudy..I will take this one obsession to my grave :)))...I love you, man :)

Just learned yesterday my great grandparents were cousins. Naturally :)

http://msittig.freeshell.org/imgs/bento/

that's some crazy sushi..

Please please please God help me get this job...

Ever since I can remember myself I've been torn between feeling lonely and wanting to be alone. These are not the choices I like, but that's what I'm left with at the end..From bullies to unattainable heart throbs to witty intellectuals I've always been fascinated with people I find intimidating. I've made it my quest to win them over..and I must say I have, always, eventually, won them over, if only to make me feel better about myself. Haven't felt better for any sustainable period of time though..Am I filling the void of my own emptiness and mediocrity ?..Looks like. I am lost. I feel as if I'm trapped in a time capsule while everyone around me has moved on. How strange is it that I connect with others rather well yet have no lasting friendships..I am terrified of anything coming to an end, and, on my own premonitions, I mourn these losses before they even take shape. And I feel as though I must leave to start over, as if I just start over again, I will get it right this time..I burn all bridges, I pride myself on being a survivor, yet its the ellusiveness of my own self I've been running from, my own crushing blows I'm surviving, I AM my worst nightmare. So now that I know its ME, what do I do ?..

posted by strannik J

just can't stop looking at it and feeling warm all over...

Note to self : get rich soon, revisit THIS spot.

all wrapped up

sugar

WORLD MAP OF HAPPINESS

Happiness map (146KB

HOW THE NATIONS RANKED ON HAPPINESS
1st - Denmark
2nd - Switzerland
3rd - Austria
4th - Iceland
5th - The Bahamas
23rd - USA
41st - UK
90th - Japan
178th - Burundi

Russia didn't make it . Surprize :)

my beloved lake Michigan, revisited last night thanks to a friend

Spent a night on the town yesterday, its been ages... I'm tired now, but in a good way, can't stop smiling, this amazing tingly anticipation of things to come that I always had and lost somehow is suddenly back..nothing definite, maybe nothing at all, but I feel changes a coming, if only in my head :)..its good to be alive

booboo

shadow, sand, stone

what's wrong with me ?..why am I THAT vulnerable now? Why do I slump into self pity and depression again and again despite an iron will to stay positive, to accept, love, live and let live ?..Why is my head clear only when its too late to fix anything ?..I had questioned every desicion I made as an adult, failed at two marriages, steadily failng at third, I've alienated old friends..At 34 I have less insight on how to live with myself much less someone else than I did at 16..And I'm full of anger , and hurt, and if it wasn't for my baby, I wouldn't have a good reason to keep on going. Now I have to stick around till she's old enough to resent me :)

by A. Upart

Wow, the things you find while clearing out your inbox :)..this is a "wish list" written to my hubby 2 years back, and as far as I remember, accepted :) OK, I can let go of the world peace, but where the heck's my Armani ??...:)

1. your undying love :) ---assumed granted :))
2. your babies...............same, in progress....:)
3. all your paintings (past and present)..........assumed on permanent loan provided I live surrounded by them.. :)
4. many many many scketches, fotos, paintings, sculptures, movies and other creative replications of my oh so modest self :)..
5. lots of sex
6. lots of travel
7. an Armani pant suit, please :)
8. frequent white tulips at my nightstand
9. regular swedish or shiatsy massage
10. ok..world peace :))

summer eye candy
(posted by NWObserver)

While pondering the subject of why I still can't pace myself and wind up completely exhausted each and every night since I had a baby, it occured to me that as much as the obvious is to blame (little sleep, lots of chores..), thats secondary to what I all but lost post baby -- ability to live in the moment, to "stop and smell the roses". Me, a perpetual procrastinator, used to lounging with a book for hours and long walks for the sake of walking, with barely a sense of time when I'm not punching the clock..suddenly finding myself in a craze of multitasking, planning my life to death and thinking 10 steps ahead of "here and now". I realized it yesterday during a rare opportunity to go for a dip in the pool while someone watched the baby..it was rather chilly but the water was almost too warm, creating a steamy fog over the surface..it had just rained not long ago and the air smelled of the earth and grass and all those summer night smells I haven't noticed in a while. I was alone, swimming, splashing, floating..aware of every inch of my body -- agile, weightless, REAL. It felt so amazingly good-I burst out laughing. I was a whole person again, being entirely in the present, SEENG my hands glide through the water and thinking it at the same time, not contemplating yet another to-do list till my brain's fried..Later, I got busy at home and between that and baby's waking up at night I have lost this wonderful feeling. But at least now I know what I'm missing. Apparently, control is the opposite of happiness..

huhtamyak

Valaam

http://www.enlight.ru/camera/az/index.html
I went there 17 years ago, secretly, with my boyfriend..my parents too have gone there when they were dating..I remember it at dusk, torn pink sky over black stones, tall trees shading the monastery walls..It was magestic, serene, sobering..The most beautiful landscape I've ever seen, yet so simple. Valaam, the monk island.

To live simply is the ultimate luxury, it seems...my own life's cluttered with duties and relationships and co-dependancies that are both blessings and burdens. And as trivial as my "mental refuge" place is -- a place of eternal summer, with long siestas spent in a hammock reading or daydreaming, dips in the sea first thing in the morning, bare feet, the smell of a sun-drenched deck, etc.., I know I will never settle there for long, except maybe for a rare and short vacation..and maybe that's best. I do find the sea and the solitude increadibly healing though..the energy I get from it is second to none, it clears the head, calms the mood, makes me feel beautiful, like a Mighty Aphroditie that I am :))

what a nice getaway that would make for a few weeks..ahh..

Went to see "the Break up" hoping for a no brainer chick flick to zoom out for an hour..that it was, allright, but its shot around my favorite places in Chicago, where I just don't go now that we've moved -- too long a drive, too cumbersome with a baby..stupid small shit that always presents itself whenever I feel like going. Anyway, the plot was unpleasantly reminiscent of my own "break up" and it made me miss the city so much, the lake and my old place, but not my ex, thank god..and not my old self either, although in this case, ignorance trully was a bliss, nothing like city living and lack of responsibilities to keep you feeling 20 for a decade. City keeps you young. And selfish, and often lonely..but hardly bored..there's something about this kind of "solitude in the crowd" when you're alone yet very much "in tune" with the flow of people and cars and street life, all this ceaseless movement that is life and energy itself. There's often an illusion of meaning where there's none, the fast pace is deceiving but addictive nonetheless..I am very aware of my age now and pleasantly so, I must say, as burnt out as I am, I'm more content and sure of myself now then ever. I'm a women of 34 and teenagers start to annoy me :) There, I've said it :)) Babies and kids, on the other hand, make me happy. Must be old age :)

my beloved foot sometime ago..and i just managed to bang a little toe on the playpen's metal foot..and quite possibly broke it. what a day. ouch